What happens when someone is dying?

How do we handle this in today’s world? 

Recently I had the privilege to be associated with a young woman who knew that she was dying.  When she found out she had pancreatic cancer, she actually went about to put her life in order.    She planned her funeral service, chose her gravesite and made all the necessary arrangements.   I am always amazed when I see someone do something like that.  I guess this is because I’ve been intimately involved with several people throughout my life that have died at a young age.   I had a front row seat in witnessing how they met death with dignity.  You may think that this is hard to talk about in our culture.  But after walking through it, I have to say that I have learned so much.

Life is a series of experiences that give us valuable lessons and learning skills if we are open to learning them.  The experience of walking through someone’s last days with them is perhaps the most valuable lesson of all.

Everyone handles someone dying differently.  Since I spent the last 5 weeks of my own mother’s life with her, I saw firsthand just how I handled it, or rather didn’t handle it very well.  In that experience itself I learned so much.  Unfortunately, this realization seems to come after the fact, when we are able to step away and look back.  But it’s in those moments of processing one’s grief that you can gain the most clarity AND it’s what you do with that  clarity that shows you where you want to go with your feelings.

Will you beat yourself up over what wasn’t done or what you did do that you shouldn’t have? 

How did you show up?

Or were you so damn efficient that you missed being in the moment; like me with my mom. 

Was that my way of coping?  Sometimes I think it was and other times not.  We do tend to default back to what we know or how we are naturally as people. 

You see my sister had the lion’s share of both our parents because she lived so close to each of them.  And I on the other hand lived in Hawaii so it was not always the easiest thing to do to just jump on a plane and be there in a couple of hours if I was needed.  This caused my sister to be upset with me.  Why? — Because I was only there a short time and I thought I needed to be helpful in organizing and tossing things that “I” thought weren’t important at the time. 

Just because I didn’t think something was necessary doesn’t meant that to the other person it’s not important. 

Valuable, Valuable Lesson.

It took us months to work through that one.  She was really hurt by how I handled things.  She perceived the situation one way and I perceived another way. 

Ever have that happen to you?!

She thought I was being insensitive and I thought I was being efficient.  My mom had lived with her for a long time and she was her caregiver.  She needed much more time to go through her grief than I did.  I was in and out of there and back home.  She had to deal with being in an empty house and all the adjustment that entails.

In Max Lucado’s book “Traveling Light” there is a very good chapter on grief and mourning.  In it he says… “Why does grief linger?  Because you are dealing with more than memories—you are dealing with unlived tomorrows.”  The more I read that and pondered it the more I realized the truth in it.  The life you could have had with that person, the shared memories are gone.  “You’re not just battling sorrow—you’re battling disappointment.”

I don’t want to gloss over this, so I’d like to take some more time to share about this if you are up to it?

It’s more than worth it if this helps one person than I will feel like it was worth it.

Why did I choose to visit this in the area of Values and Priorities?  I chose this because, as I said at the beginning, we all handle this part of our lives differently than the next person.  And our Values and Priorities play a big part in how we show up.

I would really like to hear from you about what you think about the subject of dying and grief and about how your own values and priorities in dealing with grief have played a part in your life.

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I was going to write a piece on values to go with my last blog post. I have to tell you, though, that I had an interesting experience this morning when it comes to priorities and values.

I’d like to share with you what I saw that made me re-consider what I wanted to share — what we value in general, even in the moment. I’m was at the gym riding the bike when I look up and on the screen I see this young girl swimming upstream in what at first glance I thought was a muddy river. But, in fact, it was somewhere in Oklahoma where there was flooding taking place. As I watched her swimming, a helicopter was hovering over her from the news station breaking the story. I noticed that she was a strong swimmer and was clear about where she wanted to go, which was the next tree top. (This was how high the water was). As she inched her way along from tree to tree I began praying; please God send someone soon. At that point she had to be exhausted. She swam to a strong tree onto which she was tightly holding. She calmly waved to the helicopter. I was amazed at her strength and what seemed to be a peace in the face of what she was enduring.

Long story short, the rescuers eventually came. It was quite a sight to behold these big old firemen when they got her in the boat and onto dry land. As she stepped out and started walking unassisted by herself to the waiting helicopter, I was thinking to myself “What is this poor girl thinking right now?” Was she in shock or just on autopilot?

Why am I sharing this? I’m sharing it because I feel this is a story against all odds–a miracle. There was no way I could see or know what was important to this girl at that very moment. I’m sure she wasn’t thinking “Gee what is most important to me right now?” No, she was just acting on her instinct to survive. Just doing whatever it would take to get to the next tree. The current was increasing and I found myself saying to her, “Just stay there. Someone has got to be coming. Hold on, don’t do anything stupid.”

It was a real life drama being played out right in front of me while I was in the gym riding a silly bike trying to burn a few calories. How crazy is that? Even so, I was in it with her. And I had to think other people like myself who were watching along with me were stopping and praying. What if I was there just for that? Then that was my mission for that moment.

What we value most usually shows up in the midst of crisis. We either go into fight or flight mode. That’s just how we are designed when there is something that threatens us. We react in the moment. This is what is really important when it comes down to the end of the day.

I know we say we value certain things or even take things for granted but when we are put into a crisis situation our priorities sometimes become crystal clear pretty quick. No time to think, just do. But it’s what we do after the fact that will truly affect the way we move forward in life.

What are your goals or priorities at this very moment? Are they based on your circumstances or are you focused enough to continue to be clear on the next step you need to take to move forward in your goals or vision for your life?

Much like that young woman in the water today, we need to be clear about what it takes to get to the next tree. Just getting to the next tree is sometimes all we can handle. But it’s enough.

What about you this week?

Are you able to focus on the next step for you? Or do you get a little distracted sometimes, like me? That’s when you could use a partner to come along side and interrupt your thinking in the moment and say to you…..

FOCUS, FOCUS, FOCUS. Until you say, “Okay, Okay I’m clear now!!”

I hope this story has inspired you to look differently today at whatever you are facing. • Be clear, • Focus • Make a plan and stick to it Follow through one step at a time until it becomes one of your stronger points of who you are and your character. Let me know how it goes this week.

Aloha for Now,

Coach Kathleen

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This is a subject that we may not visit until we are forced to do so.  What I mean is, life goes along and we are living it like we always do and then all of a sudden something traumatic happens.  Maybe not even necessarily traumatic but something unexpected happens that stops you in your tracks.

What do you do?

There are several things that are going on at this point. 

There’s shock to what has just taken place, and how you react to it.

Then reality sets in.

Now what?

How do we handle these times? Well everyone is different, of course.   Our way of dealing with whatever is happening in OUR lives is different than the next person.

But one thing I do know when these things happen to us is we either go into a fight or flight mode, experience grief, question our values and priorities, then choose to move on.  Of course it’s not that cut and dry, because life isn’t cut and dry.

BUT let’s take some time to visit this and see if anything rings true for you.  Let’s look at what we say have been our values up until now.

 What are a number of things going on right now in my life?

Is there a theme or a pattern developing that I can I learn from?

Can I learn to adapt my thinking?

What are areas in your life that you give yourself permission or excuse yourself from?

What’s stopping you today?

What’s getting in the way between you and where you want to be?

These are all great questions if you are willing to take a deeper look into what stops you and/or what drives you.

What are the values that drive your life right now?  What gets you excited about life?  What encourages you to have more faith in yourself and your desire to attain your goals?

 I don’t want to overwhelm you with questions.  My desire is to stimulate you to think past your problems and the issues at hand.  To be willing to open yourself up to the bigger picture of your life.

Does that sound crazy?  Of course not!  I just finished talking to my dear friend and Mentor who was also my first Coach and what did she do with me?!  She gave me a good swift kick!  Why?  Because I was whining and lamenting about life and the fears and concerns I have.  Now that wasn’t serving me was it?  She just flat out interrupted that conversation I was having and turned it around into a more resourceful conversation.  Does that make sense? She found a way to cause me to just get off it, with humor, no less!

Over the next few posts I want to revisit this conversation. I want to stir you to some action you’ve been avoiding.  I want to cause you to relate differently about some worry that you are having that is clouding up the bigger picture of your values and priorities.  Is that a deal?!  What do you think?

Aloha for now,

Coach Kathleen

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