Part One:

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day when she began to say to me…..

“You know, YOU Should probably…do this next time and you should do that !”

Until I stopped her and just said, “I Should, HUH?!”

I think it surprised her and caught her off guard a bit.  (Especially since we were just talking about my most recent Blog that discussed exactly that subject!)  After we both laughed about it, the realization was clear to both of us that this is truly something that few people think about and yet many people frequently do in conversation.

Previously, I suggested that it’s all about the framing of what you say.

Instead of  “YOU Should” which could be perceived as criticizing or even sound demeaning to the person on the other end; even though that may not be your intention at all.

Here’s something to think about…

How about using this phrase;  “Next time… Have you thought about possibly …”

OR “In the Future… have you ever thought about doing it this way?”

Do you see how the framing of words can change the way they are received?

Think about it this week and let me know what you decide.

Till next time…

Aloha,

Coach Kathleen

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Have you ever thought about why someone isn’t open to receiving what you just said?  Do you ever feel as though your words (that you thought were so important) seem to be falling on deaf ears?  Or is it possible you may not even have been aware that this was happening?

Could it have been your tone or how you delivered it?  Or maybe it was your body language or the words you used?  Well I happen to think that the answer to these questions is all of the above and then some.

Last time I mentioned a dreaded word or phrase that many of us may not even realize is a conversation stopper.  You can’t figure out why or what you did wrong when you use it.  You have no idea why what you said wasn’t received as you intended it to be.  I mean, after all, your intentions were good when you said it; right?!  You had that person’s best interest in mind and it seemed perfectly logical to you so why can’t they just see it?!

What is this word or phrase that I call “the conversation stopper?”  Why, it’s that lovely phrase “YOU SHOULD”. 

What?  You say, why is that so bad?              

Well, more often than not, it just seems to stop a perfectly normal conversation; and the speaker is clueless.

A few years ago before I really started to pay attention to what we say and how we say things to each other; I learned a very painful lesson from my younger brother.  Actually, it was quite profound for me.

Our relationship wasn’t always the easiest in our younger years.  I am eight years older so I’m sure that contributed to it somewhat.  And I think the biggest issue between us was my unawareness of the need to honor his feelings and probably, if you ask him, my delivery stunk!  In fact, I know it did!

But hey, my intentions were good; couldn’t he see that?!

Well, one day while on the phone with him he stopped me dead in my tracks by saying “YOU ALWAYS SAY “YOU SHOULD “ to me!!!!!  You should do this and you should do that !!”  Well, he didn’t stop there.   In fact, he was just getting started.  He went on to tell me very pointedly,  “YOU ARE “SHOULDING” ALL OVER ME!!  And I don’t like it!  You always think you know what’s best for me!!”

Yikes, is that what he was hearing?  I guess so.  Up until that point I hadn’t ever noticed how often I’d say that to him or anyone else for the matter.  So I stepped back for a moment and asked myself a few questions.

• Did I ask his permission before giving my 2 cents worth?  NO, probably not.

• Did I consider that “I” was coming across as the all knowing, all seeing one and that he “should” of course, see my intentions and understand where I was coming from?!  Seriously, right!?

• Did I give him room to talk about his ideas or projects before jumping in and giving my unsolicited advice?  Nope.

I’m sorry to say that both my sister and I will admit that we were guilty of this with him!  Poor guy.  It’s a wonder he still talks to either of us!

After years of “TRYING” to pay attention to my wording I have to say I think I’ve gotten better at it.  (You’d have to ask my family on that one!)  But honestly, sometimes I still hear myself blurting it out without thinking.

Some words or phrases are so embedded in our brains that we are completely unaware of the fact that they can be “Conversation Stoppers”.   But recognizing this is the first step.  After all, you can’t change what you don’t know, see or hear yourself doing, right?

• The next big thing is to learn to listen first before you respond to what someone is saying.

For example, if I had listened more to my brother and been more engaged in what he was saying I could then affirm his ideas or project and possibly complement him before I jumped in with….. Hey!! You know, I think you should market that or you should do this or you should do that! 

So what do you say instead of  “YOU SHOULD”?  Well you are going to have to wait on that one.  Because I think that deserves another blog.

But maybe this will get your imagination going and you can think of  some other examples of how we “should” or “could” learn to come up with a different way of phrasing it.

One of the things my sister and I have agreed to do when we hear each other using that phrase is give each other permission to say “YOU SHOULD, HUH?!”

It’s been good for both of us, because when you become more aware you are more likely to stop and catch yourself and learn to reframe what you are about to say.

Start watching and listening this week to see how many times you hear yourself or someone else using the phrase “YOU SHOULD”.  I’ll bet you’ll be surprised.

Let me know if this has been helpful or if you can identify with what I’ve just said.  Did I hear a “yes” already?  I thought so!!

Remember, when we become better listeners, we become more aware of what the other person is saying.  Then we find out that there just might be something in there for us if we just stop and listen….

Aloha for now….

Coach Kathleen

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As promised…… I told you that I would be writing more about a phrase I often use in my writing and with my coaching clients.  That phrase is the famous “Get To” phrase.

When I use this phrase I find that it tends to stop people right in their tracks.  It’s like an interruption to the norm of what we are used to. 

Let me explain…… “Get To”  is quite simply about choice; that’s all.  It’s a perspective that we may not always consider, however.  “Why?” you might ask.  Well, because during our lives (I would venture to guess) most of us have been raised to think and hear these words instead;  “You need to do this.” or  “You have to do that!”  Does this ring true for you?!

And here’s another one that may cause us to cringe, when someone says ….”You should do this or that”  Oie!

Have you ever noticed what happens to your body when you hear one of these phrases?  If you’ve never noticed it before, I encourage you to start to pay attention to what happens when these words are said to you.

But for the sake of time, let’s just start with “need to” this week.  Again, what happens to your body when someone says to you “You Need” to do this?

(Like they know what you need more than you do!)

Let’s go back to our childhood.

“You need to eat your vegetables.”

“You need to finish your dinner.”

“You need to clean your room.”

“You need to brush your teeth.”

And so on and so on and so on!

Then we get older and what happens when you hear ……

“You need to be on time for work.”

“You need to pay your taxes.”

You need to this and you need to do that….

What’s wrong with this phrase?  “Why does just hearing it actually create a physical response in our bodies that is triggered by stress hormones?”  (Which is probably why we can actually feel our blood pressure raising once these words hit our ears.) 

Why?–because what it does is puts me (the person telling you) into the position of the expert; the all knowing/all seeing authority.  And yes, there were times in my life when it was necessary for me to say “you need to”…  for example, when the kids were little and they did “need” to learn to do something.

But most of the time when talking to adults, I might have been coming from my own opinion when I said this, ouch!  Not that opinions are bad–we all have them–but if I wasn’t asked for it (my opinion that is) then I am coming from a position that places me above you and makes me the all knowing/all seeing expert.  (Otherwise known as the person to whom you desperately want to say “If I wanted your opinion, I would have asked for it!”)  But, of course we don’t because we’re much too polite – most of the time, anyhow!

What the phrase “you need to” can do is actually hinder our ability to see other possibilities in front of us.  This is because I think this phrase becomes so uncomfortably embedded in our psychic that we don’t even realize how it may be stopping us in our everyday lives.

So here’s my suggestion. 

Try  “Get To” on for size this week and see what happens. 

“I get to go to work.” 

“I get to wash my car.”

“I get to decide if I want to see the glass half empty or half full.”

Remember, it’s a choice; a perspective that is there for the taking….

I CAN choose to see the glass half empty if I want to and I “get to” see it half full if I want too.  The choice is mine. It’s always mine!

I know that how I choose will make a huge difference in my world-view, my perspective, my mood and my expectations of what is going to happen today.  AND (and this is a big AND) it will affect the people around me as well.

My husband is one of those people that when he enters a room he brings the party with him!!  He can immediately create joy wherever he goes because that is what he chooses to do in his daily life.  (Yup, that’s why I married him!)  Now don’t get me wrong, he has his days.  But, for the most part, that’s just who he is.

“Choice” or “get to” it’s all the same.  It’s how you want to frame it.

So what do you think?  Does this idea open up anything for you to consider? 

Try it on and see how it feels….

Love to hear your feedback.

Aloha till next time!

Coach Kathleen

The © Copyright to all audio, video, images, and text is held by Relationship Coach for You™ and licensed under a Creative Commons License.

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