Part One:

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day when she began to say to me…..

“You know, YOU Should probably…do this next time and you should do that !”

Until I stopped her and just said, “I Should, HUH?!”

I think it surprised her and caught her off guard a bit.  (Especially since we were just talking about my most recent Blog that discussed exactly that subject!)  After we both laughed about it, the realization was clear to both of us that this is truly something that few people think about and yet many people frequently do in conversation.

Previously, I suggested that it’s all about the framing of what you say.

Instead of  “YOU Should” which could be perceived as criticizing or even sound demeaning to the person on the other end; even though that may not be your intention at all.

Here’s something to think about…

How about using this phrase;  “Next time… Have you thought about possibly …”

OR “In the Future… have you ever thought about doing it this way?”

Do you see how the framing of words can change the way they are received?

Think about it this week and let me know what you decide.

Till next time…

Aloha,

Coach Kathleen

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Have you ever thought about why someone isn’t open to receiving what you just said?  Do you ever feel as though your words (that you thought were so important) seem to be falling on deaf ears?  Or is it possible you may not even have been aware that this was happening?

Could it have been your tone or how you delivered it?  Or maybe it was your body language or the words you used?  Well I happen to think that the answer to these questions is all of the above and then some.

Last time I mentioned a dreaded word or phrase that many of us may not even realize is a conversation stopper.  You can’t figure out why or what you did wrong when you use it.  You have no idea why what you said wasn’t received as you intended it to be.  I mean, after all, your intentions were good when you said it; right?!  You had that person’s best interest in mind and it seemed perfectly logical to you so why can’t they just see it?!

What is this word or phrase that I call “the conversation stopper?”  Why, it’s that lovely phrase “YOU SHOULD”. 

What?  You say, why is that so bad?              

Well, more often than not, it just seems to stop a perfectly normal conversation; and the speaker is clueless.

A few years ago before I really started to pay attention to what we say and how we say things to each other; I learned a very painful lesson from my younger brother.  Actually, it was quite profound for me.

Our relationship wasn’t always the easiest in our younger years.  I am eight years older so I’m sure that contributed to it somewhat.  And I think the biggest issue between us was my unawareness of the need to honor his feelings and probably, if you ask him, my delivery stunk!  In fact, I know it did!

But hey, my intentions were good; couldn’t he see that?!

Well, one day while on the phone with him he stopped me dead in my tracks by saying “YOU ALWAYS SAY “YOU SHOULD “ to me!!!!!  You should do this and you should do that !!”  Well, he didn’t stop there.   In fact, he was just getting started.  He went on to tell me very pointedly,  “YOU ARE “SHOULDING” ALL OVER ME!!  And I don’t like it!  You always think you know what’s best for me!!”

Yikes, is that what he was hearing?  I guess so.  Up until that point I hadn’t ever noticed how often I’d say that to him or anyone else for the matter.  So I stepped back for a moment and asked myself a few questions.

• Did I ask his permission before giving my 2 cents worth?  NO, probably not.

• Did I consider that “I” was coming across as the all knowing, all seeing one and that he “should” of course, see my intentions and understand where I was coming from?!  Seriously, right!?

• Did I give him room to talk about his ideas or projects before jumping in and giving my unsolicited advice?  Nope.

I’m sorry to say that both my sister and I will admit that we were guilty of this with him!  Poor guy.  It’s a wonder he still talks to either of us!

After years of “TRYING” to pay attention to my wording I have to say I think I’ve gotten better at it.  (You’d have to ask my family on that one!)  But honestly, sometimes I still hear myself blurting it out without thinking.

Some words or phrases are so embedded in our brains that we are completely unaware of the fact that they can be “Conversation Stoppers”.   But recognizing this is the first step.  After all, you can’t change what you don’t know, see or hear yourself doing, right?

• The next big thing is to learn to listen first before you respond to what someone is saying.

For example, if I had listened more to my brother and been more engaged in what he was saying I could then affirm his ideas or project and possibly complement him before I jumped in with….. Hey!! You know, I think you should market that or you should do this or you should do that! 

So what do you say instead of  “YOU SHOULD”?  Well you are going to have to wait on that one.  Because I think that deserves another blog.

But maybe this will get your imagination going and you can think of  some other examples of how we “should” or “could” learn to come up with a different way of phrasing it.

One of the things my sister and I have agreed to do when we hear each other using that phrase is give each other permission to say “YOU SHOULD, HUH?!”

It’s been good for both of us, because when you become more aware you are more likely to stop and catch yourself and learn to reframe what you are about to say.

Start watching and listening this week to see how many times you hear yourself or someone else using the phrase “YOU SHOULD”.  I’ll bet you’ll be surprised.

Let me know if this has been helpful or if you can identify with what I’ve just said.  Did I hear a “yes” already?  I thought so!!

Remember, when we become better listeners, we become more aware of what the other person is saying.  Then we find out that there just might be something in there for us if we just stop and listen….

Aloha for now….

Coach Kathleen

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As we begin this new year, I thought Communication would be a good place to spend some time looking at how often our conversations may end up not being what we thought they would be. This will all start make sense, read on;

First off let me say that I love people! But not that I just love people, I find that we are all so amazingly fascinating!!
Every one of us is unique in every way; no two people are the alike.
I’m married to an identical twin. Yes it’s been fun and yes I have many stories, but what is so interesting is that even though they are identical as twins can be, yet they are very different in every way! Uniquely!!

I love to watch people. I’m so curious about their stories, what makes them who they are. That is part of what got me into the field of coaching and specifically communication and relationship coaching. Because people are sooo fascinating!!

I’d like to talk about what makes communication so interesting and maybe you can apply some of what you are reading here to the important relationships in your life.

First let me offer you a few questions to consider;

• Do you want to be a better communicator or to have more meaningful conversations? Or get a chance to see how well you do or do not communicate?

• How about wanting to be a better listener and in turn may be listened to as well.

• Would it be valuable for you to know how good of a listener you really are?

• Is what you are communicating actually being heard the way you are communicating it. Or are you surprised when the other person gets upset or is really unclear on what you just said? And you thought you were so clear!

All these questions have some very simple solutions and as we go along in this series we will be looking at each of these and getting a chance to gain some clarity and tools along the way.

I’ll leave you with this to think about until next time. It should really get you thinking about how this may be so in your life.

Have you ever considered what happens when we meet each other for the first time? How that when we do meet someone for the first time we bringing along with us our history and our cultural history as well, into every conversation we have, into every thought that crosses our mind.

Now that should intrigue you for a moment. I’d like you to sit in that question for a little while and think how that might actually be so, and that you may never ever have thought about how that might color how you see things. It’s a fascinating thing to think about, don’t you think?

Over the next few weeks we will be talking about how your history influences your conversations and how it may at times get in the way of how well you are communicating or listening to someone.

Wouldn’t it be helpful to see how that may actually be effecting how you see things and others see you?

If what I have offered you today has sparked some curiosity, then I would love to hear what you have to say about it. Please feel free to drop me a line and let me know if this was helpful.
Your Relationship Coach
Kathleen

Author, Kathleen Reece, (CPBA, CPVA) known as the “Relationship Coach” by couples around the world. As a professionally certified behavior analyst, she gives couples the communication tools and proven strategies they need to create close and intimate relationships.

The © Copyright to all audio, video, images, and text is held by Relationship Coach for You™ and licensed under a Creative Commons License.

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