Have you ever thought about why someone isn’t open to receiving what you just said?  Do you ever feel as though your words (that you thought were so important) seem to be falling on deaf ears?  Or is it possible you may not even have been aware that this was happening?

Could it have been your tone or how you delivered it?  Or maybe it was your body language or the words you used?  Well I happen to think that the answer to these questions is all of the above and then some.

Last time I mentioned a dreaded word or phrase that many of us may not even realize is a conversation stopper.  You can’t figure out why or what you did wrong when you use it.  You have no idea why what you said wasn’t received as you intended it to be.  I mean, after all, your intentions were good when you said it; right?!  You had that person’s best interest in mind and it seemed perfectly logical to you so why can’t they just see it?!

What is this word or phrase that I call “the conversation stopper?”  Why, it’s that lovely phrase “YOU SHOULD”. 

What?  You say, why is that so bad?              

Well, more often than not, it just seems to stop a perfectly normal conversation; and the speaker is clueless.

A few years ago before I really started to pay attention to what we say and how we say things to each other; I learned a very painful lesson from my younger brother.  Actually, it was quite profound for me.

Our relationship wasn’t always the easiest in our younger years.  I am eight years older so I’m sure that contributed to it somewhat.  And I think the biggest issue between us was my unawareness of the need to honor his feelings and probably, if you ask him, my delivery stunk!  In fact, I know it did!

But hey, my intentions were good; couldn’t he see that?!

Well, one day while on the phone with him he stopped me dead in my tracks by saying “YOU ALWAYS SAY “YOU SHOULD “ to me!!!!!  You should do this and you should do that !!”  Well, he didn’t stop there.   In fact, he was just getting started.  He went on to tell me very pointedly,  “YOU ARE “SHOULDING” ALL OVER ME!!  And I don’t like it!  You always think you know what’s best for me!!”

Yikes, is that what he was hearing?  I guess so.  Up until that point I hadn’t ever noticed how often I’d say that to him or anyone else for the matter.  So I stepped back for a moment and asked myself a few questions.

• Did I ask his permission before giving my 2 cents worth?  NO, probably not.

• Did I consider that “I” was coming across as the all knowing, all seeing one and that he “should” of course, see my intentions and understand where I was coming from?!  Seriously, right!?

• Did I give him room to talk about his ideas or projects before jumping in and giving my unsolicited advice?  Nope.

I’m sorry to say that both my sister and I will admit that we were guilty of this with him!  Poor guy.  It’s a wonder he still talks to either of us!

After years of “TRYING” to pay attention to my wording I have to say I think I’ve gotten better at it.  (You’d have to ask my family on that one!)  But honestly, sometimes I still hear myself blurting it out without thinking.

Some words or phrases are so embedded in our brains that we are completely unaware of the fact that they can be “Conversation Stoppers”.   But recognizing this is the first step.  After all, you can’t change what you don’t know, see or hear yourself doing, right?

• The next big thing is to learn to listen first before you respond to what someone is saying.

For example, if I had listened more to my brother and been more engaged in what he was saying I could then affirm his ideas or project and possibly complement him before I jumped in with….. Hey!! You know, I think you should market that or you should do this or you should do that! 

So what do you say instead of  “YOU SHOULD”?  Well you are going to have to wait on that one.  Because I think that deserves another blog.

But maybe this will get your imagination going and you can think of  some other examples of how we “should” or “could” learn to come up with a different way of phrasing it.

One of the things my sister and I have agreed to do when we hear each other using that phrase is give each other permission to say “YOU SHOULD, HUH?!”

It’s been good for both of us, because when you become more aware you are more likely to stop and catch yourself and learn to reframe what you are about to say.

Start watching and listening this week to see how many times you hear yourself or someone else using the phrase “YOU SHOULD”.  I’ll bet you’ll be surprised.

Let me know if this has been helpful or if you can identify with what I’ve just said.  Did I hear a “yes” already?  I thought so!!

Remember, when we become better listeners, we become more aware of what the other person is saying.  Then we find out that there just might be something in there for us if we just stop and listen….

Aloha for now….

Coach Kathleen

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