Part One:

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day when she began to say to me…..

“You know, YOU Should probably…do this next time and you should do that !”

Until I stopped her and just said, “I Should, HUH?!”

I think it surprised her and caught her off guard a bit.  (Especially since we were just talking about my most recent Blog that discussed exactly that subject!)  After we both laughed about it, the realization was clear to both of us that this is truly something that few people think about and yet many people frequently do in conversation.

Previously, I suggested that it’s all about the framing of what you say.

Instead of  “YOU Should” which could be perceived as criticizing or even sound demeaning to the person on the other end; even though that may not be your intention at all.

Here’s something to think about…

How about using this phrase;  “Next time… Have you thought about possibly …”

OR “In the Future… have you ever thought about doing it this way?”

Do you see how the framing of words can change the way they are received?

Think about it this week and let me know what you decide.

Till next time…

Aloha,

Coach Kathleen

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Have you ever thought about why someone isn’t open to receiving what you just said?  Do you ever feel as though your words (that you thought were so important) seem to be falling on deaf ears?  Or is it possible you may not even have been aware that this was happening?

Could it have been your tone or how you delivered it?  Or maybe it was your body language or the words you used?  Well I happen to think that the answer to these questions is all of the above and then some.

Last time I mentioned a dreaded word or phrase that many of us may not even realize is a conversation stopper.  You can’t figure out why or what you did wrong when you use it.  You have no idea why what you said wasn’t received as you intended it to be.  I mean, after all, your intentions were good when you said it; right?!  You had that person’s best interest in mind and it seemed perfectly logical to you so why can’t they just see it?!

What is this word or phrase that I call “the conversation stopper?”  Why, it’s that lovely phrase “YOU SHOULD”. 

What?  You say, why is that so bad?              

Well, more often than not, it just seems to stop a perfectly normal conversation; and the speaker is clueless.

A few years ago before I really started to pay attention to what we say and how we say things to each other; I learned a very painful lesson from my younger brother.  Actually, it was quite profound for me.

Our relationship wasn’t always the easiest in our younger years.  I am eight years older so I’m sure that contributed to it somewhat.  And I think the biggest issue between us was my unawareness of the need to honor his feelings and probably, if you ask him, my delivery stunk!  In fact, I know it did!

But hey, my intentions were good; couldn’t he see that?!

Well, one day while on the phone with him he stopped me dead in my tracks by saying “YOU ALWAYS SAY “YOU SHOULD “ to me!!!!!  You should do this and you should do that !!”  Well, he didn’t stop there.   In fact, he was just getting started.  He went on to tell me very pointedly,  “YOU ARE “SHOULDING” ALL OVER ME!!  And I don’t like it!  You always think you know what’s best for me!!”

Yikes, is that what he was hearing?  I guess so.  Up until that point I hadn’t ever noticed how often I’d say that to him or anyone else for the matter.  So I stepped back for a moment and asked myself a few questions.

• Did I ask his permission before giving my 2 cents worth?  NO, probably not.

• Did I consider that “I” was coming across as the all knowing, all seeing one and that he “should” of course, see my intentions and understand where I was coming from?!  Seriously, right!?

• Did I give him room to talk about his ideas or projects before jumping in and giving my unsolicited advice?  Nope.

I’m sorry to say that both my sister and I will admit that we were guilty of this with him!  Poor guy.  It’s a wonder he still talks to either of us!

After years of “TRYING” to pay attention to my wording I have to say I think I’ve gotten better at it.  (You’d have to ask my family on that one!)  But honestly, sometimes I still hear myself blurting it out without thinking.

Some words or phrases are so embedded in our brains that we are completely unaware of the fact that they can be “Conversation Stoppers”.   But recognizing this is the first step.  After all, you can’t change what you don’t know, see or hear yourself doing, right?

• The next big thing is to learn to listen first before you respond to what someone is saying.

For example, if I had listened more to my brother and been more engaged in what he was saying I could then affirm his ideas or project and possibly complement him before I jumped in with….. Hey!! You know, I think you should market that or you should do this or you should do that! 

So what do you say instead of  “YOU SHOULD”?  Well you are going to have to wait on that one.  Because I think that deserves another blog.

But maybe this will get your imagination going and you can think of  some other examples of how we “should” or “could” learn to come up with a different way of phrasing it.

One of the things my sister and I have agreed to do when we hear each other using that phrase is give each other permission to say “YOU SHOULD, HUH?!”

It’s been good for both of us, because when you become more aware you are more likely to stop and catch yourself and learn to reframe what you are about to say.

Start watching and listening this week to see how many times you hear yourself or someone else using the phrase “YOU SHOULD”.  I’ll bet you’ll be surprised.

Let me know if this has been helpful or if you can identify with what I’ve just said.  Did I hear a “yes” already?  I thought so!!

Remember, when we become better listeners, we become more aware of what the other person is saying.  Then we find out that there just might be something in there for us if we just stop and listen….

Aloha for now….

Coach Kathleen

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As promised…… I told you that I would be writing more about a phrase I often use in my writing and with my coaching clients.  That phrase is the famous “Get To” phrase.

When I use this phrase I find that it tends to stop people right in their tracks.  It’s like an interruption to the norm of what we are used to. 

Let me explain…… “Get To”  is quite simply about choice; that’s all.  It’s a perspective that we may not always consider, however.  “Why?” you might ask.  Well, because during our lives (I would venture to guess) most of us have been raised to think and hear these words instead;  “You need to do this.” or  “You have to do that!”  Does this ring true for you?!

And here’s another one that may cause us to cringe, when someone says ….”You should do this or that”  Oie!

Have you ever noticed what happens to your body when you hear one of these phrases?  If you’ve never noticed it before, I encourage you to start to pay attention to what happens when these words are said to you.

But for the sake of time, let’s just start with “need to” this week.  Again, what happens to your body when someone says to you “You Need” to do this?

(Like they know what you need more than you do!)

Let’s go back to our childhood.

“You need to eat your vegetables.”

“You need to finish your dinner.”

“You need to clean your room.”

“You need to brush your teeth.”

And so on and so on and so on!

Then we get older and what happens when you hear ……

“You need to be on time for work.”

“You need to pay your taxes.”

You need to this and you need to do that….

What’s wrong with this phrase?  “Why does just hearing it actually create a physical response in our bodies that is triggered by stress hormones?”  (Which is probably why we can actually feel our blood pressure raising once these words hit our ears.) 

Why?–because what it does is puts me (the person telling you) into the position of the expert; the all knowing/all seeing authority.  And yes, there were times in my life when it was necessary for me to say “you need to”…  for example, when the kids were little and they did “need” to learn to do something.

But most of the time when talking to adults, I might have been coming from my own opinion when I said this, ouch!  Not that opinions are bad–we all have them–but if I wasn’t asked for it (my opinion that is) then I am coming from a position that places me above you and makes me the all knowing/all seeing expert.  (Otherwise known as the person to whom you desperately want to say “If I wanted your opinion, I would have asked for it!”)  But, of course we don’t because we’re much too polite – most of the time, anyhow!

What the phrase “you need to” can do is actually hinder our ability to see other possibilities in front of us.  This is because I think this phrase becomes so uncomfortably embedded in our psychic that we don’t even realize how it may be stopping us in our everyday lives.

So here’s my suggestion. 

Try  “Get To” on for size this week and see what happens. 

“I get to go to work.” 

“I get to wash my car.”

“I get to decide if I want to see the glass half empty or half full.”

Remember, it’s a choice; a perspective that is there for the taking….

I CAN choose to see the glass half empty if I want to and I “get to” see it half full if I want too.  The choice is mine. It’s always mine!

I know that how I choose will make a huge difference in my world-view, my perspective, my mood and my expectations of what is going to happen today.  AND (and this is a big AND) it will affect the people around me as well.

My husband is one of those people that when he enters a room he brings the party with him!!  He can immediately create joy wherever he goes because that is what he chooses to do in his daily life.  (Yup, that’s why I married him!)  Now don’t get me wrong, he has his days.  But, for the most part, that’s just who he is.

“Choice” or “get to” it’s all the same.  It’s how you want to frame it.

So what do you think?  Does this idea open up anything for you to consider? 

Try it on and see how it feels….

Love to hear your feedback.

Aloha till next time!

Coach Kathleen

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There are messages that are all around us if we pay attention.

Let me explain.  Recently our local 24 hour gym went through a remodel.  One of the last things they put up on the walls was some thought provoking, inspiring phrases that I will be sharing with you in the coming weeks. 

I kept seeing these phases every day when I went there to work out, but wasn’t really paying attention or even trying to take them to heart.  My own internal conversation was saying “Ahh this is just hype, sounds trite!” etc.

But then I began to look past the words to take a deeper look at:

1. My attitude
2. My resistance
3. Not looking at it from an encouragement standpoint
4. Or even, God forbid a challenge to consider something new or different that could be quite simple and personally beneficial.  

Until then, I was just plain resistant and thought they were stupid.  What was I thinking???

Let’s look at the “Challenge Yourself a Little More Each Day” message that was on an advertising poster in the Vitamin section.  It was a picture of a very fit, very handsome guy running with those words very prominently displayed under him.

I had already begun to shift my perspective with the phrases upstairs in the exercise room (which I will share with you later).  When I saw this poster it caught my eye.    I immediately thought that this was something from which we could all benefit.

By the way, this doesn’t have to do with just exercise or fitness, even though it is a good mindset to incorporate into your routine. But let’s first start with exercise since that is where I began.

• Do you exercise? 
• If you do, are you just mindlessly going to the gym because it’s good for you or you feel you “should” be doing this? 
• Do you have a purpose for going to the gym?
•  Are you really clear about why you are there?
• What is it that you want to ultimately accomplish?

Now these questions would hold true for any part of your life wouldn’t they?

“Challenge yourself a little more each day.”  I thought, I can work with that!  It’s doable, right?

How about you? Can you see the benefit of accepting a challenge every day; even if it’s a small one?

Creating a new habit takes 21 days.  Why?  Because our brains rewire themselves to create new neuro-pathways that contain the new information or habit.  To really “get” something, it also takes the determination and fortitude to do it for an extended period of time.

What about business or relationships?  Could you use this concept there? What would it take to “challenge” you a little more this week in those areas?

For me, it’s about getting some projects finished that I’ve been putting off.  I first learned about this issue in my early coaching courses.  There seemed to be a theme in not putting off projects and getting a clearer vision of where I wanted to go and what it would take for me to get there.

So, just start with something small. 

Maybe get a system down in your office.  I have a hard time being creative if there is clutter and disorganization around me.  Clear out a closet that you’ve been putting off organizing.  Do you see how this could be a way of “challenging yourself” a little more each day?  

 “Challenge yourself” and see what happens….

So now, let me ask you.  What will you challenge yourself with this week?

I actually like that statement/phrase so much that I plan on printing it and sticking it right in front of my computer so I can see it each time I sit down.

WHAT WILL YOU CHALLENGE YOURSELF WITH THIS WEEK?

How does this post land for you?  Is there anything that jumps out?  I’m really looking forward to hearing from you!

Till next time….

Aloha,

Kathleen

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I wanted to touch on the subject of grieving a little further in hopes that it could help or comfort someone who might be experiencing the grief process right now.  If you happen to know someone going through this and you don’t feel equipped with the right words or know what to expect in the coming weeks or months these words could be a valuable tool for you.

 As mentioned in my last post, I’ve learned a ton just from my own experiences not only in my own personal life but in the lives of others.  Often when someone passes away it may be a sudden thing or it may be after a long struggle with an illness.  Either way, I doubt that the grieving process is much different.  One thing I do know is we have to go through it to move on in life.  The funny thing about that is….one does not know how long that will take.

That is a hard one to handle in the beginning because “It” is just where you are at the moment and there is no logical explanation on how we’re supposed to handle life from this point on.

(I think this is adaptable to many other forms of grief not just someone dying but for now this is what I want to focus on.)

What happens after the funeral and everyone says their goodbyes and you are left with an empty house?

People who are there to support you in the beginning or even family members who are there and then leave to go back to their own homes often don’t think about you and your loneliness at that point.  They may be dealing with their own grief and are therefore mainly thinking of themselves and that’s okay. 

 I think it is something to consider that there is no right or wrong in this whole thing AND there is no time limit where you just wake up one day and go “Okay now on with life” if you are the one who is grieving.  But understand that the people who were there for you at that time may go on back to their lives and not understand where you are or what is going on with you.

What was support, before, may now become avoidance.  Again, this may be because they don’t know what to say.  So they may not say anything.  Try not to take it personally.

I can remember in my early adult years (early 30’s) when my friend Jennie lost her husband Steve to cancer.  We were all there in the neighborhood.  In fact, we had all come from California and had bought 3 side by side lots on the Big Island of Hawaii and had built houses next to one another. 

At the time that Steve’s illness got worse we had someone like a grief counselor come over to talk to all of us about death and dying and grief, I don’t think I was quite there yet in my understanding of all that was going on.  One thing that really took me aback was that Steve was present during this meeting and video that we were watching.  I felt very responsible for him.  I didn’t want him there because, what it made me uncomfortable?  That in itself was it was a very good thing for me to experience.  It taught me a lot about how I was trying to protect him from this uncomfortable conversation and yet it was his choice to be there.  It really amazed me.

We learned how adults versus kids handle the grief process.  Jennie’s son was 5 at the time and my kids were 8 and 5.  Even understanding a child’s limited understanding of grief can be so eye-opening and helped me with my expectations and my own confusion at the time.

Some of the things I’ve learned that you might find helpful:

• There is no right or wrong way to grieve and no time limit to what you are going through and it is no one’s business if they think that you “should” be moving on by now..

• If you are, on the other hand, taking a supportive role then I suggest a couple of things; “Just be there to listen” and don’t try to interject your opinion or give advice.

Another thing that would be nice is to send cards.  Just as a way of saying you are thinking of them, that’s all, nothing heavy just the fact that you are doing that one thing is such a gesture of love and support.  It can make a big difference to that person going through this alone in another city or state.  Even if you live nearby it’s still a good thing to do.

My friend Jennie was a great example of this.  She and Steve had a friend who lost his wife to one of those viruses that attacks the heart.  She was healthy one day and gone the next and they had small children, too.

I can  remember Jennie having these cards sitting next to the back door so she wouldn’t forget to drop them in the mail every so often just to be an encouragement to him.  That always stuck with me.  Even in her own grief she could still reach out to another.

One more thing…  If you are wondering what this has to do with values and priorities think about it this way.   The saying “Love your neighbor as yourself” really means “what is it that you would want someone to do for you?”  Would you want them to have the values and priorities to think of others especially in a time like this?  Is this what you want to be like for others in a time of need?  I know that I often think about it but don’t always act on it.  I have great intentions to do this or that.  But face it, people don’t want my intentions they want me.  That in itself is a reason to get outside of myself.  What about you?  Just becoming more aware is the first step….

Of course, there is so much more but I figure this is a good start on just having some insight into what happens for someone going through a difficult time.

If you found this to be helpful in some way, please let me know how it was supportive for you.  And if you would like to know more just drop me a note and we can talk.

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What happens when someone is dying?

How do we handle this in today’s world? 

Recently I had the privilege to be associated with a young woman who knew that she was dying.  When she found out she had pancreatic cancer, she actually went about to put her life in order.    She planned her funeral service, chose her gravesite and made all the necessary arrangements.   I am always amazed when I see someone do something like that.  I guess this is because I’ve been intimately involved with several people throughout my life that have died at a young age.   I had a front row seat in witnessing how they met death with dignity.  You may think that this is hard to talk about in our culture.  But after walking through it, I have to say that I have learned so much.

Life is a series of experiences that give us valuable lessons and learning skills if we are open to learning them.  The experience of walking through someone’s last days with them is perhaps the most valuable lesson of all.

Everyone handles someone dying differently.  Since I spent the last 5 weeks of my own mother’s life with her, I saw firsthand just how I handled it, or rather didn’t handle it very well.  In that experience itself I learned so much.  Unfortunately, this realization seems to come after the fact, when we are able to step away and look back.  But it’s in those moments of processing one’s grief that you can gain the most clarity AND it’s what you do with that  clarity that shows you where you want to go with your feelings.

Will you beat yourself up over what wasn’t done or what you did do that you shouldn’t have? 

How did you show up?

Or were you so damn efficient that you missed being in the moment; like me with my mom. 

Was that my way of coping?  Sometimes I think it was and other times not.  We do tend to default back to what we know or how we are naturally as people. 

You see my sister had the lion’s share of both our parents because she lived so close to each of them.  And I on the other hand lived in Hawaii so it was not always the easiest thing to do to just jump on a plane and be there in a couple of hours if I was needed.  This caused my sister to be upset with me.  Why? — Because I was only there a short time and I thought I needed to be helpful in organizing and tossing things that “I” thought weren’t important at the time. 

Just because I didn’t think something was necessary doesn’t meant that to the other person it’s not important. 

Valuable, Valuable Lesson.

It took us months to work through that one.  She was really hurt by how I handled things.  She perceived the situation one way and I perceived another way. 

Ever have that happen to you?!

She thought I was being insensitive and I thought I was being efficient.  My mom had lived with her for a long time and she was her caregiver.  She needed much more time to go through her grief than I did.  I was in and out of there and back home.  She had to deal with being in an empty house and all the adjustment that entails.

In Max Lucado’s book “Traveling Light” there is a very good chapter on grief and mourning.  In it he says… “Why does grief linger?  Because you are dealing with more than memories—you are dealing with unlived tomorrows.”  The more I read that and pondered it the more I realized the truth in it.  The life you could have had with that person, the shared memories are gone.  “You’re not just battling sorrow—you’re battling disappointment.”

I don’t want to gloss over this, so I’d like to take some more time to share about this if you are up to it?

It’s more than worth it if this helps one person than I will feel like it was worth it.

Why did I choose to visit this in the area of Values and Priorities?  I chose this because, as I said at the beginning, we all handle this part of our lives differently than the next person.  And our Values and Priorities play a big part in how we show up.

I would really like to hear from you about what you think about the subject of dying and grief and about how your own values and priorities in dealing with grief have played a part in your life.

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If you can see it, then maybe it’s yours to change.  Okay, I know you probably don’t like hearing that, but it’s true.  Someone always has to take the first step, so it might as well be you!

I can remember way back to the first time I ever heard someone tell me that.  Boy, it really made me mad!  Why should I be the first to change? Why can’t it be he or she who does the changing first?!  After all I’m the one that is hurt, disappointed, frustrated etc….

But here’s the deal.

It’s is what it is… (You’ll hear me say that often in my blog posts for a reason.)

If you want something different and you see it first, well then I guess it’s yours to change, right!?

What if it’s someone in the workplace and you are frustrated that they aren’t pulling their load?  Think about it.  Maybe it’s really just as easy as changing your attitude towards that person. What if you could see them in a different light?  I’ll bet you’d have a whole new perspective.

Think about what may be driving your resentment or judgments of this person and just how those limiting beliefs and attitudes short change you.  YOU, not the person you have them about.  Fact is, that they probably are completely oblivious of your feelings completely!

Ever realize how much energy it takes to pick up and carry an attitude?  Think about it; physically, it can be quite literally exhausting.

So what do you do about it?  How do you make the change and shift out of the limiting conversation that you are having about this individual right now?

Well, it could be as easy as looking at what is driving this particular conversation you are having.  “Ah”, you say, “what conversation?”  And I say, “That one, the one you are having right now about what I am talking about!” See, can you hear it yourself?

It seems silly but we are constantly having these internal conversations. Some of us even talk out loud to ourselves and think nothing of it.  Mutter, mutter, mutter, but in all that muttering is a conversation that you are having either about yourself or someone else.

Here’s a good one for this week.  Start to notice when you are having that internal conversation and what is coming up for you as you do.  What are the feelings, emotions or attitudes that accompany this internal conversation and how could you shift away from any negative reactions or attitudes to have a more resourceful response to what is happening?

When I work with someone on these issues, we actually go step by step to dissect the conversation so you can see what is really going on.  It always helps to have someone else look at things from the outside and give you some feedback on what they are hearing. Of course, you then have to be open as to whether or not you are able to see things more clearly and are willing to make the change.

I guess that brings us right back where we started when I began this post!  Lol!   Seriously though, these are just things to consider.

Ponder on this a while and let me know what you think.  Could this help you in a relationship you are having with a co-worker, a spouse, a relative or child or teen, anyone that crosses your path?

My commitment is to give you the tools to go out there in your daily encounters and have more satisfying and rewarding conversations and connections with others.

After all, isn’t that part of what life is about?

Aloha for now,

Coach Kathleen

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It’s not what I expected; it’s not what I wanted;, what I signed up for. This isn’t fair, life is throwing me a curve ball and I’m not liking it one bit!! What the Heck!?

Okay, now that you got that off your chest, now what?

My desire is to offer you solutions, suggestions and possibilities that can help you to answer some of these questions or frustrations.

But for now let’s talk about a story I heard recently.  There was once a young man desiring to get married.  He was getting older and he really wanted to marry badly.  (Belief system kicking in here.) Then he meets this beautiful young woman and they fall in love in a very short time.  They also become pregnant and decide to get married.  Never mind that they were from 2 different cultures and could not understand each other at all; not being able to speak each other’s languages.  They were in love and that was that.

Long story short, the relationship ended in less than a year. He has the baby.  He is in debt up to his eyeballs.  His business is failing.  He moved in with relatives for the time being and basically it’s a mess.  (You get the picture)

Now he has some hard choices to make here.  Not an easy road to hoe any way you look at it.  BUT it is what it is…. Now, what?!   I might say, “Man up and deal with it cause it ain’t going away and now you are faced with having another life you are responsible for.”  (I sound like Dr. Laura here.  For those of you that don’t know her.  She is a straight shooting therapist and author who doesn’t pull any punches who has a very popular radio talk show, where people call in and ask for help and advice to their problems.  I really like her.)

Reality may be hard sometimes but we all have to deal with it.  Can anyone relate here?

Does this story sound familiar?  Unfortunately, it’s being played out all over the place.  There is hope in the mist for sure.  Let’s take this man’s story, for instance.  What will he need to do?  The “What Now?” conversation…

Get some support, have a plan of action and know where and how to move forward.  In other words, he needs to ask, seek and knock for the help he needs.  I know that not everyone has the luxury, but maybe we really do and we just don’t see it because we are so caught up in the event, the mess and the overall helpless feeling of hopelessness.

But I know there are ton’s of solutions out there…

In the movie  “The Pursuit of Happiness” Will Smith portrays Chris Gardner, a man who suddenly has a run of very bad luck and has to totally rethink everything about his life.  What happens to him can happen to any one of us these days.  But what he did with what happened to him made all the difference in the world for him and his son.  What happens in this clip from the movie is at first his conversation with his son comes from his “familiar” old conversation, his paradigm. But look what happens when he sees the impact it has on his son.

It takes courage and determination to fight against the familiar,  the old belief system that creeps back into our internal conversations.

Take courage …. Really, I mean it.   Seriously!  Read about someone who faced the impossible and overcame all odds.  Rent an inspiring movie that will do the same thing for you.  Create hope where there is none at the moment.  I could think of so many examples right now.

No matter what it is that you are up against if you look for something outside yourself to be encouraged or inspired by it can and does shift our thinking, our belief systems, our situations and/or our circumstances differently.  In doing so we can move towards a place of taking action, which is much better than just sitting there waiting for something to happen to us.

I mentioned this earlier in my last blog.  Be sure to check out my previous blog post.  I really love hearing your feedback on what I’ve been writing about lately.

Is this speaking to you, hitting home, or encouraging?  These are some of the ways I use my coaching skills when working with clients.  We can all speak from our experience of life to support someone on their journey.

Hope this was helpful today.  Don’t forget to let me know what you think.

Much Aloha,

Kathleen

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I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately.  How often we tell ourselves things like:  “I don’t have time to do this or that.  I have too many commitments.  I’m overwhelmed with work, kids, house etc.  Everyone is pulling at me from all angles.”  Least of all, this is what you might be saying to yourself.  And what are the results for some of these stresses and over committing of one’s self?

What do you think?

Are you last on your list and resenting that fact that you are?   Are others paying the price for you not taking the time for yourself?  But you say … “How can I do that when I have all these other commitments going on in my life; how else will it get done? “

Well, I say there probably are a ton of things to look at in this and if you are open to taking a look, I bet you could find some altitude enough to make some positive shifts and possibly benefit others around you as well.  Think about it.  If you are in a good place in your life don’t you think it flows over into the way you are seen by others; say, members of your family and so on?

Let’s take a look at the “what” that may be behind some of this behavior by first telling you a little bit what’s been going on for me and maybe you can relate.

About 3 ½ years ago I started taking care of my first grandchild for 2 days a week.  Now you wouldn’t think that would be any big deal, right?  Here I am, just loving being a grandma with all that entails. And I was very willing to take care of the little guy, of course!  But soon I find out that, boy, it becomes a lot of work and soon I begin to lose my focus for my coaching practice.

Why?  Because it takes tons of time to be with new babies and then they get more active and so on and so on.  (I guess maybe I forgot that small detail as I got caught up in the whole Grandma thing!)  I was trying to stay focused on getting certain things accomplished every week and yet they weren’t being done.  This was probably because I had this crazy idea that I could still work on the days that he was here and still be as productive as I was before I started taking care of him.  That was an interesting idea/theory!  Can anyone relate to this at all?

Little did I know, that would not be the case and (being the consummate multi-tasker that I am); I was also trying to launch another business as well.  So, something had to give and that something had to be me.  I kept telling myself to just surrender to the process.  Easier said than done.  Surrender was a daily process for me and still is for a lot of things in life.

Like trying to swim against the tide, we fight against what is happening and even try to change it so we can “do all things”.  We then not only frustrate ourselves but possibly even take it out on others around us because of the desire we have to see it look a certain way and when it doesn’t then….. well, you know what I mean…

And what does this have to do with “yes you can?”

Take a look at what we decide about a situation and how we don’t see any possibilities in it and where we might go because of that.  Then begin to rewrite your story to reflect another possibility and solution.  You’d be surprised at the outcome and how your attitude will shift and change.  Suddenly, this gives you more freedom to create, not just something new and different, but something transformative.  That, in itself is a whole other conversation!!

But, for now, these are just some things to think about.

I’m curious does any of this rings true for you?  Can you identify with some of what I am talking about?

If so please leave me a comment and share with me your perspectives on this subject.

I’ll be adding more about this later.  But for now, stay tuned.

Much Aloha,

Coach Kathleen

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Here’s another way to look at Time Management and Story

I’ve talked in previous articles about how we have a story we tell ourselves and how it’s all connected to a belief system AND how that influences everything in our lives.

I’d like to touch on the story we tell ourselves about time and time management. My desire is to create value and curiosity about how certain things effect our lives and what we can do about them i.e.; time management.

Ahh yes, it’s all about our time.  How many of you here have ever taken a Franklin Covey time management course or some other sort of course that will make your life more effective and efficient so you will be able to have more time to dedicate to the things are important to you?  Whew!   That’s a mouthful and I would venture to guess that most, if not all, of us have invested in some sort of class or system with the promise that it will make our lives more effective and efficient. Right?! I know I have over the years.

And what do we get with that?  We get the promise that if you do this system ( and don’t get me wrong, systems are great) then you will have it all dialed in and life will become easier and then you can spend more time doing the things that you love and care about, right?

WRONG!!

I mean really, think about it, a whole industry has sprung up around how to manage your time. What is usually the promise that comes with implementing such a system?  Well, just as the promise states; you’ll better manage your time. You will become more efficient and not miss appointments, etc., and be able to manage your day more productively.

That is the promise right?

Here’s the real Promise – life is short, time is of the essence; we only have so much of it, we’ve only so long on this earth and we gotta make it count! I need to create quality time in my life and this will help me do everything I want to do before I run OUT of time. I’m getting tired just thinking about it.

We are the ones who decide we want to create more balance and harmony in our lives.  And we want to be able to prioritize what’s important to us and what has value.

Now, what would some of those things be that we value most?

Relationships, family and friends, our spirituality, taking time for leisure, etc.
All good, right?!

Let me share a little experience I had and you tell me what you think.

My husband and I were at a restaurant and I looked over at this table as I was leaving and what I saw so impacted me that I thought it would be perfect to share.

Here was this couple with 2 boys who were sitting there.  I noticed these 2 people who were so engrossed and engaged in texting on their Blackberries so intensely that they were totally ignoring each other AND the boys.  These 2 boys who were just sitting there, were looking around not even talking to each other like they didn’t even know what to do.  Now I don’t know what took place before or after I left, to be fair. They could have been very involved with these kids after I left.  But I kinda don’t think so based on their body language and how intent they were in their own world.

That being said, what I would like to share about how I see time management and the promise that it will somehow magically create peace and harmony and more quality time to spend on the things that I care most about is, false again, sorry….

Why?   Well, I’ll tell you,  just  investing time in something,  really doesn’t mean a whole lot if we are not really there in that present moment.  Just because we show up somewhere and we may have a million things going on in our head does that mean we are really there?!

Or, are we focusing on the next meeting, the next appt. etc., as we show up for dinner or some get-together or one of the kids’ games and then think we are going to get the credit for just showing up and get some ROI (return on our investment) for it. Not so fast.

Think about this if you will; we may be there but if we are tired or pre-occupied, distracted what does that mean? Are we really there?  Are we really present?I

I have a saying in my life and in the work that I do. Be here and nowhere else.

As a coach, one of the things that I want to do is: yes, help someone accomplish more goals and help them with their relationships.  But even more than that, I want to help get them to the place where these things work much better.  By getting to the story that may be stopping someone from reaching a deeper level in what it is that they feel is important to them, whatever that may be.

Discovering that.  NOW that’s an interesting conversation; one I love having.  We all have a story about why we didn’t show up on time or weren’t focused or missed an important event all together.

The dog ate my homework.  My ride was late. I missed getting my assignment done with excellence because I ran out of time. Someone else is at fault and so on and so on.

What does this subject bring up for you?

What are you thinking and has this triggered some thoughts about how you will show up the next time?!  Great news there is always a next time!!

Keep on the journey and give me your feedback on what I’ve shared today.

Some of the concepts of this material comes from the  book; “The Power of Story” by Jim Loehr.

Much Aloha,

Coach Kathleen

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