Part One:

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day when she began to say to me…..

“You know, YOU Should probably…do this next time and you should do that !”

Until I stopped her and just said, “I Should, HUH?!”

I think it surprised her and caught her off guard a bit.  (Especially since we were just talking about my most recent Blog that discussed exactly that subject!)  After we both laughed about it, the realization was clear to both of us that this is truly something that few people think about and yet many people frequently do in conversation.

Previously, I suggested that it’s all about the framing of what you say.

Instead of  “YOU Should” which could be perceived as criticizing or even sound demeaning to the person on the other end; even though that may not be your intention at all.

Here’s something to think about…

How about using this phrase;  “Next time… Have you thought about possibly …”

OR “In the Future… have you ever thought about doing it this way?”

Do you see how the framing of words can change the way they are received?

Think about it this week and let me know what you decide.

Till next time…

Aloha,

Coach Kathleen

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Have you ever thought about why someone isn’t open to receiving what you just said?  Do you ever feel as though your words (that you thought were so important) seem to be falling on deaf ears?  Or is it possible you may not even have been aware that this was happening?

Could it have been your tone or how you delivered it?  Or maybe it was your body language or the words you used?  Well I happen to think that the answer to these questions is all of the above and then some.

Last time I mentioned a dreaded word or phrase that many of us may not even realize is a conversation stopper.  You can’t figure out why or what you did wrong when you use it.  You have no idea why what you said wasn’t received as you intended it to be.  I mean, after all, your intentions were good when you said it; right?!  You had that person’s best interest in mind and it seemed perfectly logical to you so why can’t they just see it?!

What is this word or phrase that I call “the conversation stopper?”  Why, it’s that lovely phrase “YOU SHOULD”. 

What?  You say, why is that so bad?              

Well, more often than not, it just seems to stop a perfectly normal conversation; and the speaker is clueless.

A few years ago before I really started to pay attention to what we say and how we say things to each other; I learned a very painful lesson from my younger brother.  Actually, it was quite profound for me.

Our relationship wasn’t always the easiest in our younger years.  I am eight years older so I’m sure that contributed to it somewhat.  And I think the biggest issue between us was my unawareness of the need to honor his feelings and probably, if you ask him, my delivery stunk!  In fact, I know it did!

But hey, my intentions were good; couldn’t he see that?!

Well, one day while on the phone with him he stopped me dead in my tracks by saying “YOU ALWAYS SAY “YOU SHOULD “ to me!!!!!  You should do this and you should do that !!”  Well, he didn’t stop there.   In fact, he was just getting started.  He went on to tell me very pointedly,  “YOU ARE “SHOULDING” ALL OVER ME!!  And I don’t like it!  You always think you know what’s best for me!!”

Yikes, is that what he was hearing?  I guess so.  Up until that point I hadn’t ever noticed how often I’d say that to him or anyone else for the matter.  So I stepped back for a moment and asked myself a few questions.

• Did I ask his permission before giving my 2 cents worth?  NO, probably not.

• Did I consider that “I” was coming across as the all knowing, all seeing one and that he “should” of course, see my intentions and understand where I was coming from?!  Seriously, right!?

• Did I give him room to talk about his ideas or projects before jumping in and giving my unsolicited advice?  Nope.

I’m sorry to say that both my sister and I will admit that we were guilty of this with him!  Poor guy.  It’s a wonder he still talks to either of us!

After years of “TRYING” to pay attention to my wording I have to say I think I’ve gotten better at it.  (You’d have to ask my family on that one!)  But honestly, sometimes I still hear myself blurting it out without thinking.

Some words or phrases are so embedded in our brains that we are completely unaware of the fact that they can be “Conversation Stoppers”.   But recognizing this is the first step.  After all, you can’t change what you don’t know, see or hear yourself doing, right?

• The next big thing is to learn to listen first before you respond to what someone is saying.

For example, if I had listened more to my brother and been more engaged in what he was saying I could then affirm his ideas or project and possibly complement him before I jumped in with….. Hey!! You know, I think you should market that or you should do this or you should do that! 

So what do you say instead of  “YOU SHOULD”?  Well you are going to have to wait on that one.  Because I think that deserves another blog.

But maybe this will get your imagination going and you can think of  some other examples of how we “should” or “could” learn to come up with a different way of phrasing it.

One of the things my sister and I have agreed to do when we hear each other using that phrase is give each other permission to say “YOU SHOULD, HUH?!”

It’s been good for both of us, because when you become more aware you are more likely to stop and catch yourself and learn to reframe what you are about to say.

Start watching and listening this week to see how many times you hear yourself or someone else using the phrase “YOU SHOULD”.  I’ll bet you’ll be surprised.

Let me know if this has been helpful or if you can identify with what I’ve just said.  Did I hear a “yes” already?  I thought so!!

Remember, when we become better listeners, we become more aware of what the other person is saying.  Then we find out that there just might be something in there for us if we just stop and listen….

Aloha for now….

Coach Kathleen

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What does the word “Conquer” mean to you?

For each one of us it could mean a totally different thing or represent a completely different experience.

The word “Conquer” means to overcome, to gain, or to obtain by effort.

With this in mind, I want to ask you the question; what’s stopping you from conquering your current goals?

• this day
• this week
• maybe even this year

My last post talked about “Challenging” yourself a little each day.”

Did you try it?

How’d it go for you?

Did it trigger you into having any internal conversation with yourself that became resourceful?  Or did you find yourself sitting on the couch and thinking about it but not doing much about it?

I know.  I’ve found myself doing that sometimes.  Circumstances come along to distract us from our goals. I don’t know about you but that’s when I need a partner to come along side me and say!  “Hey I thought you were going to do this or that?”  What happened?”

Whether it’s weight loss, exercise or going through that pile of papers you’ve been meaning to go through but haven’t for whatever reason.

“Just Do It” like Nike says!!

Let me ask you, what was it like the first time you conquered your fear of riding a bike as a kid or learning to swim for the very first time?

(Stop a moment and go back and relive that experience.)

I hope your answer was a resounding YES!!!!!  I knew I could do this!  There is a real freedom that comes over you. I remember when I was learning to swim as a kid it felt like I could go on forever.  Remember spending hours underwater talking to your sister or brother? Doing silly stuff?  It was just so freeing.

Then I joined a swim team that was a blast!

(What does a kid in the middle of the desert do but find a pool and stay in it for as long as they can to beat the heat!  Really!)

Swimming took conquering something to a whole new level for me.  First it’s the form of the stroke, getting that down.  Then conquering the ability to get to a place where the body gets its second wind. Then you can swim effortlessly for what seems like forever.

Now the fact is that this takes some time.  It doesn’t just happen after a few laps back and forth in the pool.  YOU have to consistently push yourself through every lap and then Bam!!! BREAKTHROUGH HAPPENS and you have done it.  It’s an exhilarating feeling.  Makes me just want to jump in a pool right now!!

Think how this could work in your life.

What will it take to conquer the goals that you have?

• Do you write your goals down?
• Do you post them where you can see them daily?
• What will it take to move past the fear to go to the next level?
• What kind of commitment will it take for you?
• And lastly “How badly do you want it?!”

That’s really the question isn’t it?  How badly do I want something in my life so that I will do whatever it takes to do it?

Now let’s go back to the when you were a kid conversation.

Do you think that some of the same feelings that came over you as a child are still working in you today?

I happen to think so.  That is one of the things that is what I call your internal conversation or your historical conversation.  I’ve mentioned that before many times.  Some of those old tapes are still running around in your brain even today.

What you “GET TO” do is just notice them and discover how you can work through those haunting memories.  Yes, I said haunting and you have to decide if this is the conversation you want to be having with yourself right now or are you willing to have a different one?

I’m going to leave you with that question and you let me know what you think about what I wrote.  If it has opened up a new area in your life that you hadn’t seen before and how it affects your ability to Conquer YOUR Goals.

Love to hear about that.

Aloha for now,

Coach Kathleen

PS What you “Get to” do is think about “get to” vs have to, need to or want to.  Now that’s a whole another post.  Be watching for it. Coming to this blog soon!

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Here’s another way to look at Time Management and Story

I’ve talked in previous articles about how we have a story we tell ourselves and how it’s all connected to a belief system AND how that influences everything in our lives.

I’d like to touch on the story we tell ourselves about time and time management. My desire is to create value and curiosity about how certain things effect our lives and what we can do about them i.e.; time management.

Ahh yes, it’s all about our time.  How many of you here have ever taken a Franklin Covey time management course or some other sort of course that will make your life more effective and efficient so you will be able to have more time to dedicate to the things are important to you?  Whew!   That’s a mouthful and I would venture to guess that most, if not all, of us have invested in some sort of class or system with the promise that it will make our lives more effective and efficient. Right?! I know I have over the years.

And what do we get with that?  We get the promise that if you do this system ( and don’t get me wrong, systems are great) then you will have it all dialed in and life will become easier and then you can spend more time doing the things that you love and care about, right?

WRONG!!

I mean really, think about it, a whole industry has sprung up around how to manage your time. What is usually the promise that comes with implementing such a system?  Well, just as the promise states; you’ll better manage your time. You will become more efficient and not miss appointments, etc., and be able to manage your day more productively.

That is the promise right?

Here’s the real Promise – life is short, time is of the essence; we only have so much of it, we’ve only so long on this earth and we gotta make it count! I need to create quality time in my life and this will help me do everything I want to do before I run OUT of time. I’m getting tired just thinking about it.

We are the ones who decide we want to create more balance and harmony in our lives.  And we want to be able to prioritize what’s important to us and what has value.

Now, what would some of those things be that we value most?

Relationships, family and friends, our spirituality, taking time for leisure, etc.
All good, right?!

Let me share a little experience I had and you tell me what you think.

My husband and I were at a restaurant and I looked over at this table as I was leaving and what I saw so impacted me that I thought it would be perfect to share.

Here was this couple with 2 boys who were sitting there.  I noticed these 2 people who were so engrossed and engaged in texting on their Blackberries so intensely that they were totally ignoring each other AND the boys.  These 2 boys who were just sitting there, were looking around not even talking to each other like they didn’t even know what to do.  Now I don’t know what took place before or after I left, to be fair. They could have been very involved with these kids after I left.  But I kinda don’t think so based on their body language and how intent they were in their own world.

That being said, what I would like to share about how I see time management and the promise that it will somehow magically create peace and harmony and more quality time to spend on the things that I care most about is, false again, sorry….

Why?   Well, I’ll tell you,  just  investing time in something,  really doesn’t mean a whole lot if we are not really there in that present moment.  Just because we show up somewhere and we may have a million things going on in our head does that mean we are really there?!

Or, are we focusing on the next meeting, the next appt. etc., as we show up for dinner or some get-together or one of the kids’ games and then think we are going to get the credit for just showing up and get some ROI (return on our investment) for it. Not so fast.

Think about this if you will; we may be there but if we are tired or pre-occupied, distracted what does that mean? Are we really there?  Are we really present?I

I have a saying in my life and in the work that I do. Be here and nowhere else.

As a coach, one of the things that I want to do is: yes, help someone accomplish more goals and help them with their relationships.  But even more than that, I want to help get them to the place where these things work much better.  By getting to the story that may be stopping someone from reaching a deeper level in what it is that they feel is important to them, whatever that may be.

Discovering that.  NOW that’s an interesting conversation; one I love having.  We all have a story about why we didn’t show up on time or weren’t focused or missed an important event all together.

The dog ate my homework.  My ride was late. I missed getting my assignment done with excellence because I ran out of time. Someone else is at fault and so on and so on.

What does this subject bring up for you?

What are you thinking and has this triggered some thoughts about how you will show up the next time?!  Great news there is always a next time!!

Keep on the journey and give me your feedback on what I’ve shared today.

Some of the concepts of this material comes from the  book; “The Power of Story” by Jim Loehr.

Much Aloha,

Coach Kathleen

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Okay this is how I see it:
When we meet each other for the first time, what we are bringing with us is our history and or cultural history as well. So think about it, YOU are YOUR history
how you were raised has a lot to do with the way you see things. You may have come from another country and now live somewhere else. YOU bring with you, your cultural history as well as the way your parents raised you, your value system.are ALWAYS, (I can’t empathize that enough!) always filtering everything that comes to us through these filters.

Did you come from a traditional background, or more maybe you were raised to be more of a free spirit?

In this day and age and in the US culture, conservative or liberal are big denominators for some folks.
All this contributes to who you are today, and how you see your world and the world.

I like to call these filters, historical and cultural filters. And we

Your filters help you to define what an experience is, and your filters cause you to experience what you think and feel at any given moment.

So what has this got to do with RELATIONSHIPS?!

Everything of course!! If we were to stop and think about that every time we met someone, just how I may be interpreting our conversation, based on how I am filtering that conversation through my histoy, I might listen a little differently, or at least I would hope I would.

This is huge when it comes to man/woman conversation. Oh don’t get me started…. Actually I find it very interesting and how differently my husband and I see things.

Can you see how that our history might play into how well we communicate? Let alone understand or try to understand the other person.

Hopefully this should give you some food for thought for a moment.

If it sparks some questions, please feel free to drop me a line and tell me what you think about what I’ve shared here.

AND if this is something that you would like to spend some time talking about, how it would be helpful to learn more about how to better your communication, let me know.

Till next time…
Aloha,
Coach Kathleen

Author, Kathleen Reece, (CPBA, CPVA) is known as the “Relationship Coach” by couples around the world. Founder of Relationship Coach for You™ where she helps couples in groups, teleclasses and private sessions. As a professionally certified behavior analyst, she gives couples the communication tools and proven strategies they need to create close and intimate relationships.

The © Copyright to all audio, video, images, and text is held by Relationship Coach for You™ and licensed under a Creative Commons License.

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