What happens when someone is dying?

How do we handle this in today’s world? 

Recently I had the privilege to be associated with a young woman who knew that she was dying.  When she found out she had pancreatic cancer, she actually went about to put her life in order.    She planned her funeral service, chose her gravesite and made all the necessary arrangements.   I am always amazed when I see someone do something like that.  I guess this is because I’ve been intimately involved with several people throughout my life that have died at a young age.   I had a front row seat in witnessing how they met death with dignity.  You may think that this is hard to talk about in our culture.  But after walking through it, I have to say that I have learned so much.

Life is a series of experiences that give us valuable lessons and learning skills if we are open to learning them.  The experience of walking through someone’s last days with them is perhaps the most valuable lesson of all.

Everyone handles someone dying differently.  Since I spent the last 5 weeks of my own mother’s life with her, I saw firsthand just how I handled it, or rather didn’t handle it very well.  In that experience itself I learned so much.  Unfortunately, this realization seems to come after the fact, when we are able to step away and look back.  But it’s in those moments of processing one’s grief that you can gain the most clarity AND it’s what you do with that  clarity that shows you where you want to go with your feelings.

Will you beat yourself up over what wasn’t done or what you did do that you shouldn’t have? 

How did you show up?

Or were you so damn efficient that you missed being in the moment; like me with my mom. 

Was that my way of coping?  Sometimes I think it was and other times not.  We do tend to default back to what we know or how we are naturally as people. 

You see my sister had the lion’s share of both our parents because she lived so close to each of them.  And I on the other hand lived in Hawaii so it was not always the easiest thing to do to just jump on a plane and be there in a couple of hours if I was needed.  This caused my sister to be upset with me.  Why? — Because I was only there a short time and I thought I needed to be helpful in organizing and tossing things that “I” thought weren’t important at the time. 

Just because I didn’t think something was necessary doesn’t meant that to the other person it’s not important. 

Valuable, Valuable Lesson.

It took us months to work through that one.  She was really hurt by how I handled things.  She perceived the situation one way and I perceived another way. 

Ever have that happen to you?!

She thought I was being insensitive and I thought I was being efficient.  My mom had lived with her for a long time and she was her caregiver.  She needed much more time to go through her grief than I did.  I was in and out of there and back home.  She had to deal with being in an empty house and all the adjustment that entails.

In Max Lucado’s book “Traveling Light” there is a very good chapter on grief and mourning.  In it he says… “Why does grief linger?  Because you are dealing with more than memories—you are dealing with unlived tomorrows.”  The more I read that and pondered it the more I realized the truth in it.  The life you could have had with that person, the shared memories are gone.  “You’re not just battling sorrow—you’re battling disappointment.”

I don’t want to gloss over this, so I’d like to take some more time to share about this if you are up to it?

It’s more than worth it if this helps one person than I will feel like it was worth it.

Why did I choose to visit this in the area of Values and Priorities?  I chose this because, as I said at the beginning, we all handle this part of our lives differently than the next person.  And our Values and Priorities play a big part in how we show up.

I would really like to hear from you about what you think about the subject of dying and grief and about how your own values and priorities in dealing with grief have played a part in your life.

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It’s not what I expected; it’s not what I wanted;, what I signed up for. This isn’t fair, life is throwing me a curve ball and I’m not liking it one bit!! What the Heck!?

Okay, now that you got that off your chest, now what?

My desire is to offer you solutions, suggestions and possibilities that can help you to answer some of these questions or frustrations.

But for now let’s talk about a story I heard recently.  There was once a young man desiring to get married.  He was getting older and he really wanted to marry badly.  (Belief system kicking in here.) Then he meets this beautiful young woman and they fall in love in a very short time.  They also become pregnant and decide to get married.  Never mind that they were from 2 different cultures and could not understand each other at all; not being able to speak each other’s languages.  They were in love and that was that.

Long story short, the relationship ended in less than a year. He has the baby.  He is in debt up to his eyeballs.  His business is failing.  He moved in with relatives for the time being and basically it’s a mess.  (You get the picture)

Now he has some hard choices to make here.  Not an easy road to hoe any way you look at it.  BUT it is what it is…. Now, what?!   I might say, “Man up and deal with it cause it ain’t going away and now you are faced with having another life you are responsible for.”  (I sound like Dr. Laura here.  For those of you that don’t know her.  She is a straight shooting therapist and author who doesn’t pull any punches who has a very popular radio talk show, where people call in and ask for help and advice to their problems.  I really like her.)

Reality may be hard sometimes but we all have to deal with it.  Can anyone relate here?

Does this story sound familiar?  Unfortunately, it’s being played out all over the place.  There is hope in the mist for sure.  Let’s take this man’s story, for instance.  What will he need to do?  The “What Now?” conversation…

Get some support, have a plan of action and know where and how to move forward.  In other words, he needs to ask, seek and knock for the help he needs.  I know that not everyone has the luxury, but maybe we really do and we just don’t see it because we are so caught up in the event, the mess and the overall helpless feeling of hopelessness.

But I know there are ton’s of solutions out there…

In the movie  “The Pursuit of Happiness” Will Smith portrays Chris Gardner, a man who suddenly has a run of very bad luck and has to totally rethink everything about his life.  What happens to him can happen to any one of us these days.  But what he did with what happened to him made all the difference in the world for him and his son.  What happens in this clip from the movie is at first his conversation with his son comes from his “familiar” old conversation, his paradigm. But look what happens when he sees the impact it has on his son.

It takes courage and determination to fight against the familiar,  the old belief system that creeps back into our internal conversations.

Take courage …. Really, I mean it.   Seriously!  Read about someone who faced the impossible and overcame all odds.  Rent an inspiring movie that will do the same thing for you.  Create hope where there is none at the moment.  I could think of so many examples right now.

No matter what it is that you are up against if you look for something outside yourself to be encouraged or inspired by it can and does shift our thinking, our belief systems, our situations and/or our circumstances differently.  In doing so we can move towards a place of taking action, which is much better than just sitting there waiting for something to happen to us.

I mentioned this earlier in my last blog.  Be sure to check out my previous blog post.  I really love hearing your feedback on what I’ve been writing about lately.

Is this speaking to you, hitting home, or encouraging?  These are some of the ways I use my coaching skills when working with clients.  We can all speak from our experience of life to support someone on their journey.

Hope this was helpful today.  Don’t forget to let me know what you think.

Much Aloha,

Kathleen

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So you want a Currier and Ives Christmas but what you might end up with is “As the World Turns.” I saw that in a book years ago and thought it was a hoot when I read it, and then I also thought how true, how true! As time has gone on and I’m much older and wiser these days, I notice how the expectation of the holidays and the actual reality tend to differ quite a bit.

We fondly look back on the times of our childhood when life was not so complicated and there was a sense of wonder and excitement, and think when did that all change. I don’t know if you are like me, but the past and the present don’t always match up. I could write a book on my childhood experiences, but I don’t want to do that here. What I do want to do, is touch on several things, that I think might come up for people during the holidays.

I know when I was a young mom I was always racing around trying to get things done and put a great deal of self made expectations on myself to have “everything perfect.” (Or so I thought that was what I was supposed to do.)
Like I said I’ve grown older and wiser you see…

What I would like to offer here is what I think Christmas isn’t. How we could tend to make it be the cure-all for the world so to speak. The problem is that it isn’t. It doesn’t bring us instant happiness and often time’s disappointment is what we get
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Please don’t get me wrong I LOVE Christmas and all that it stands for. It’s one of my favorite times of the year. I think that what springs eternal is that we are hopeful that when Christmas comes and the cards that arrive in the mail that say Peace on Earth, we long for that to be so. Especially in this day and age when world is in such turmoil.

So we start the day after Thanksgiving (I’ve always made it my rule that I don’t go out there into those crowds, even though many of you may love doing that.) getting into the “Christmas Spirit”! There’s the buying and the wrapping, the cooking and the cleaning. Everything that goes on about Christmas is all about getting ready for that day.

Some of the things that Christmas doesn’t do is it doesn’t magically turn you into the world’s greatest parent, fulfilling your children’s every wish. Nor does it make you the Martha Stewart of the holidays, because you watch her program or read her books.

Largely and more importantly it doesn’t instantly restore and repair broken relationships or those that are on the brink of serious problems. But I also think as human beings we are just naturally hopeful for something different. We were designed that way, thank God!

We are hoping that when the family all gets together, it will be great! We look forward to it. It’ll be different this year, I’m gonna make sure of it. So we go about it with great intention, of making that happen. But alas, others aren’t always as cooperative. So there go our expectations and hopes of something different, deeper, and more meaningful.

I myself am a great believer that we have everything within us to create a different experience than the one we have had up until now. If we are to believe in what the “Christmas Miracle” is all about, the miracle of hope for the future, the future worth having with those we love and cherish. Then it would benefit us to equip ourselves with the tools for what that will take. Say better communications, for one thing, or better listening skills. It’s all a matter of taking the time, and changing our thinking about who needs to do the changing, or just appreciating the people for the gift that they are in our lives.

Share with me some of your thoughts on how you see the possibility of changing the way you could see the value of having a different way of relating with those around you this season, and how that might change and enrich how you experience your holiday’s!

Your Relationship Coach,
Kathleen Reece

Author, Kathleen Reece, (CPBA, CPVA) is known as the “Relationship Coach” by couples around the world. Founder of Relationship Coach for You™ where she helps couples in groups, teleclasses and private sessions. As a professionally certified behavior analyst, she gives couples the communication tools and proven strategies they need to create close and intimate relationships.

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