There are messages that are all around us if we pay attention.

Let me explain.  Recently our local 24 hour gym went through a remodel.  One of the last things they put up on the walls was some thought provoking, inspiring phrases that I will be sharing with you in the coming weeks. 

I kept seeing these phases every day when I went there to work out, but wasn’t really paying attention or even trying to take them to heart.  My own internal conversation was saying “Ahh this is just hype, sounds trite!” etc.

But then I began to look past the words to take a deeper look at:

1. My attitude
2. My resistance
3. Not looking at it from an encouragement standpoint
4. Or even, God forbid a challenge to consider something new or different that could be quite simple and personally beneficial.  

Until then, I was just plain resistant and thought they were stupid.  What was I thinking???

Let’s look at the “Challenge Yourself a Little More Each Day” message that was on an advertising poster in the Vitamin section.  It was a picture of a very fit, very handsome guy running with those words very prominently displayed under him.

I had already begun to shift my perspective with the phrases upstairs in the exercise room (which I will share with you later).  When I saw this poster it caught my eye.    I immediately thought that this was something from which we could all benefit.

By the way, this doesn’t have to do with just exercise or fitness, even though it is a good mindset to incorporate into your routine. But let’s first start with exercise since that is where I began.

• Do you exercise? 
• If you do, are you just mindlessly going to the gym because it’s good for you or you feel you “should” be doing this? 
• Do you have a purpose for going to the gym?
•  Are you really clear about why you are there?
• What is it that you want to ultimately accomplish?

Now these questions would hold true for any part of your life wouldn’t they?

“Challenge yourself a little more each day.”  I thought, I can work with that!  It’s doable, right?

How about you? Can you see the benefit of accepting a challenge every day; even if it’s a small one?

Creating a new habit takes 21 days.  Why?  Because our brains rewire themselves to create new neuro-pathways that contain the new information or habit.  To really “get” something, it also takes the determination and fortitude to do it for an extended period of time.

What about business or relationships?  Could you use this concept there? What would it take to “challenge” you a little more this week in those areas?

For me, it’s about getting some projects finished that I’ve been putting off.  I first learned about this issue in my early coaching courses.  There seemed to be a theme in not putting off projects and getting a clearer vision of where I wanted to go and what it would take for me to get there.

So, just start with something small. 

Maybe get a system down in your office.  I have a hard time being creative if there is clutter and disorganization around me.  Clear out a closet that you’ve been putting off organizing.  Do you see how this could be a way of “challenging yourself” a little more each day?  

 “Challenge yourself” and see what happens….

So now, let me ask you.  What will you challenge yourself with this week?

I actually like that statement/phrase so much that I plan on printing it and sticking it right in front of my computer so I can see it each time I sit down.

WHAT WILL YOU CHALLENGE YOURSELF WITH THIS WEEK?

How does this post land for you?  Is there anything that jumps out?  I’m really looking forward to hearing from you!

Till next time….

Aloha,

Kathleen

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I wanted to touch on the subject of grieving a little further in hopes that it could help or comfort someone who might be experiencing the grief process right now.  If you happen to know someone going through this and you don’t feel equipped with the right words or know what to expect in the coming weeks or months these words could be a valuable tool for you.

 As mentioned in my last post, I’ve learned a ton just from my own experiences not only in my own personal life but in the lives of others.  Often when someone passes away it may be a sudden thing or it may be after a long struggle with an illness.  Either way, I doubt that the grieving process is much different.  One thing I do know is we have to go through it to move on in life.  The funny thing about that is….one does not know how long that will take.

That is a hard one to handle in the beginning because “It” is just where you are at the moment and there is no logical explanation on how we’re supposed to handle life from this point on.

(I think this is adaptable to many other forms of grief not just someone dying but for now this is what I want to focus on.)

What happens after the funeral and everyone says their goodbyes and you are left with an empty house?

People who are there to support you in the beginning or even family members who are there and then leave to go back to their own homes often don’t think about you and your loneliness at that point.  They may be dealing with their own grief and are therefore mainly thinking of themselves and that’s okay. 

 I think it is something to consider that there is no right or wrong in this whole thing AND there is no time limit where you just wake up one day and go “Okay now on with life” if you are the one who is grieving.  But understand that the people who were there for you at that time may go on back to their lives and not understand where you are or what is going on with you.

What was support, before, may now become avoidance.  Again, this may be because they don’t know what to say.  So they may not say anything.  Try not to take it personally.

I can remember in my early adult years (early 30’s) when my friend Jennie lost her husband Steve to cancer.  We were all there in the neighborhood.  In fact, we had all come from California and had bought 3 side by side lots on the Big Island of Hawaii and had built houses next to one another. 

At the time that Steve’s illness got worse we had someone like a grief counselor come over to talk to all of us about death and dying and grief, I don’t think I was quite there yet in my understanding of all that was going on.  One thing that really took me aback was that Steve was present during this meeting and video that we were watching.  I felt very responsible for him.  I didn’t want him there because, what it made me uncomfortable?  That in itself was it was a very good thing for me to experience.  It taught me a lot about how I was trying to protect him from this uncomfortable conversation and yet it was his choice to be there.  It really amazed me.

We learned how adults versus kids handle the grief process.  Jennie’s son was 5 at the time and my kids were 8 and 5.  Even understanding a child’s limited understanding of grief can be so eye-opening and helped me with my expectations and my own confusion at the time.

Some of the things I’ve learned that you might find helpful:

• There is no right or wrong way to grieve and no time limit to what you are going through and it is no one’s business if they think that you “should” be moving on by now..

• If you are, on the other hand, taking a supportive role then I suggest a couple of things; “Just be there to listen” and don’t try to interject your opinion or give advice.

Another thing that would be nice is to send cards.  Just as a way of saying you are thinking of them, that’s all, nothing heavy just the fact that you are doing that one thing is such a gesture of love and support.  It can make a big difference to that person going through this alone in another city or state.  Even if you live nearby it’s still a good thing to do.

My friend Jennie was a great example of this.  She and Steve had a friend who lost his wife to one of those viruses that attacks the heart.  She was healthy one day and gone the next and they had small children, too.

I can  remember Jennie having these cards sitting next to the back door so she wouldn’t forget to drop them in the mail every so often just to be an encouragement to him.  That always stuck with me.  Even in her own grief she could still reach out to another.

One more thing…  If you are wondering what this has to do with values and priorities think about it this way.   The saying “Love your neighbor as yourself” really means “what is it that you would want someone to do for you?”  Would you want them to have the values and priorities to think of others especially in a time like this?  Is this what you want to be like for others in a time of need?  I know that I often think about it but don’t always act on it.  I have great intentions to do this or that.  But face it, people don’t want my intentions they want me.  That in itself is a reason to get outside of myself.  What about you?  Just becoming more aware is the first step….

Of course, there is so much more but I figure this is a good start on just having some insight into what happens for someone going through a difficult time.

If you found this to be helpful in some way, please let me know how it was supportive for you.  And if you would like to know more just drop me a note and we can talk.

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What happens when someone is dying?

How do we handle this in today’s world? 

Recently I had the privilege to be associated with a young woman who knew that she was dying.  When she found out she had pancreatic cancer, she actually went about to put her life in order.    She planned her funeral service, chose her gravesite and made all the necessary arrangements.   I am always amazed when I see someone do something like that.  I guess this is because I’ve been intimately involved with several people throughout my life that have died at a young age.   I had a front row seat in witnessing how they met death with dignity.  You may think that this is hard to talk about in our culture.  But after walking through it, I have to say that I have learned so much.

Life is a series of experiences that give us valuable lessons and learning skills if we are open to learning them.  The experience of walking through someone’s last days with them is perhaps the most valuable lesson of all.

Everyone handles someone dying differently.  Since I spent the last 5 weeks of my own mother’s life with her, I saw firsthand just how I handled it, or rather didn’t handle it very well.  In that experience itself I learned so much.  Unfortunately, this realization seems to come after the fact, when we are able to step away and look back.  But it’s in those moments of processing one’s grief that you can gain the most clarity AND it’s what you do with that  clarity that shows you where you want to go with your feelings.

Will you beat yourself up over what wasn’t done or what you did do that you shouldn’t have? 

How did you show up?

Or were you so damn efficient that you missed being in the moment; like me with my mom. 

Was that my way of coping?  Sometimes I think it was and other times not.  We do tend to default back to what we know or how we are naturally as people. 

You see my sister had the lion’s share of both our parents because she lived so close to each of them.  And I on the other hand lived in Hawaii so it was not always the easiest thing to do to just jump on a plane and be there in a couple of hours if I was needed.  This caused my sister to be upset with me.  Why? — Because I was only there a short time and I thought I needed to be helpful in organizing and tossing things that “I” thought weren’t important at the time. 

Just because I didn’t think something was necessary doesn’t meant that to the other person it’s not important. 

Valuable, Valuable Lesson.

It took us months to work through that one.  She was really hurt by how I handled things.  She perceived the situation one way and I perceived another way. 

Ever have that happen to you?!

She thought I was being insensitive and I thought I was being efficient.  My mom had lived with her for a long time and she was her caregiver.  She needed much more time to go through her grief than I did.  I was in and out of there and back home.  She had to deal with being in an empty house and all the adjustment that entails.

In Max Lucado’s book “Traveling Light” there is a very good chapter on grief and mourning.  In it he says… “Why does grief linger?  Because you are dealing with more than memories—you are dealing with unlived tomorrows.”  The more I read that and pondered it the more I realized the truth in it.  The life you could have had with that person, the shared memories are gone.  “You’re not just battling sorrow—you’re battling disappointment.”

I don’t want to gloss over this, so I’d like to take some more time to share about this if you are up to it?

It’s more than worth it if this helps one person than I will feel like it was worth it.

Why did I choose to visit this in the area of Values and Priorities?  I chose this because, as I said at the beginning, we all handle this part of our lives differently than the next person.  And our Values and Priorities play a big part in how we show up.

I would really like to hear from you about what you think about the subject of dying and grief and about how your own values and priorities in dealing with grief have played a part in your life.

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It’s not what I expected; it’s not what I wanted;, what I signed up for. This isn’t fair, life is throwing me a curve ball and I’m not liking it one bit!! What the Heck!?

Okay, now that you got that off your chest, now what?

My desire is to offer you solutions, suggestions and possibilities that can help you to answer some of these questions or frustrations.

But for now let’s talk about a story I heard recently.  There was once a young man desiring to get married.  He was getting older and he really wanted to marry badly.  (Belief system kicking in here.) Then he meets this beautiful young woman and they fall in love in a very short time.  They also become pregnant and decide to get married.  Never mind that they were from 2 different cultures and could not understand each other at all; not being able to speak each other’s languages.  They were in love and that was that.

Long story short, the relationship ended in less than a year. He has the baby.  He is in debt up to his eyeballs.  His business is failing.  He moved in with relatives for the time being and basically it’s a mess.  (You get the picture)

Now he has some hard choices to make here.  Not an easy road to hoe any way you look at it.  BUT it is what it is…. Now, what?!   I might say, “Man up and deal with it cause it ain’t going away and now you are faced with having another life you are responsible for.”  (I sound like Dr. Laura here.  For those of you that don’t know her.  She is a straight shooting therapist and author who doesn’t pull any punches who has a very popular radio talk show, where people call in and ask for help and advice to their problems.  I really like her.)

Reality may be hard sometimes but we all have to deal with it.  Can anyone relate here?

Does this story sound familiar?  Unfortunately, it’s being played out all over the place.  There is hope in the mist for sure.  Let’s take this man’s story, for instance.  What will he need to do?  The “What Now?” conversation…

Get some support, have a plan of action and know where and how to move forward.  In other words, he needs to ask, seek and knock for the help he needs.  I know that not everyone has the luxury, but maybe we really do and we just don’t see it because we are so caught up in the event, the mess and the overall helpless feeling of hopelessness.

But I know there are ton’s of solutions out there…

In the movie  “The Pursuit of Happiness” Will Smith portrays Chris Gardner, a man who suddenly has a run of very bad luck and has to totally rethink everything about his life.  What happens to him can happen to any one of us these days.  But what he did with what happened to him made all the difference in the world for him and his son.  What happens in this clip from the movie is at first his conversation with his son comes from his “familiar” old conversation, his paradigm. But look what happens when he sees the impact it has on his son.

It takes courage and determination to fight against the familiar,  the old belief system that creeps back into our internal conversations.

Take courage …. Really, I mean it.   Seriously!  Read about someone who faced the impossible and overcame all odds.  Rent an inspiring movie that will do the same thing for you.  Create hope where there is none at the moment.  I could think of so many examples right now.

No matter what it is that you are up against if you look for something outside yourself to be encouraged or inspired by it can and does shift our thinking, our belief systems, our situations and/or our circumstances differently.  In doing so we can move towards a place of taking action, which is much better than just sitting there waiting for something to happen to us.

I mentioned this earlier in my last blog.  Be sure to check out my previous blog post.  I really love hearing your feedback on what I’ve been writing about lately.

Is this speaking to you, hitting home, or encouraging?  These are some of the ways I use my coaching skills when working with clients.  We can all speak from our experience of life to support someone on their journey.

Hope this was helpful today.  Don’t forget to let me know what you think.

Much Aloha,

Kathleen

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Here’s another way to look at Time Management and Story

I’ve talked in previous articles about how we have a story we tell ourselves and how it’s all connected to a belief system AND how that influences everything in our lives.

I’d like to touch on the story we tell ourselves about time and time management. My desire is to create value and curiosity about how certain things effect our lives and what we can do about them i.e.; time management.

Ahh yes, it’s all about our time.  How many of you here have ever taken a Franklin Covey time management course or some other sort of course that will make your life more effective and efficient so you will be able to have more time to dedicate to the things are important to you?  Whew!   That’s a mouthful and I would venture to guess that most, if not all, of us have invested in some sort of class or system with the promise that it will make our lives more effective and efficient. Right?! I know I have over the years.

And what do we get with that?  We get the promise that if you do this system ( and don’t get me wrong, systems are great) then you will have it all dialed in and life will become easier and then you can spend more time doing the things that you love and care about, right?

WRONG!!

I mean really, think about it, a whole industry has sprung up around how to manage your time. What is usually the promise that comes with implementing such a system?  Well, just as the promise states; you’ll better manage your time. You will become more efficient and not miss appointments, etc., and be able to manage your day more productively.

That is the promise right?

Here’s the real Promise – life is short, time is of the essence; we only have so much of it, we’ve only so long on this earth and we gotta make it count! I need to create quality time in my life and this will help me do everything I want to do before I run OUT of time. I’m getting tired just thinking about it.

We are the ones who decide we want to create more balance and harmony in our lives.  And we want to be able to prioritize what’s important to us and what has value.

Now, what would some of those things be that we value most?

Relationships, family and friends, our spirituality, taking time for leisure, etc.
All good, right?!

Let me share a little experience I had and you tell me what you think.

My husband and I were at a restaurant and I looked over at this table as I was leaving and what I saw so impacted me that I thought it would be perfect to share.

Here was this couple with 2 boys who were sitting there.  I noticed these 2 people who were so engrossed and engaged in texting on their Blackberries so intensely that they were totally ignoring each other AND the boys.  These 2 boys who were just sitting there, were looking around not even talking to each other like they didn’t even know what to do.  Now I don’t know what took place before or after I left, to be fair. They could have been very involved with these kids after I left.  But I kinda don’t think so based on their body language and how intent they were in their own world.

That being said, what I would like to share about how I see time management and the promise that it will somehow magically create peace and harmony and more quality time to spend on the things that I care most about is, false again, sorry….

Why?   Well, I’ll tell you,  just  investing time in something,  really doesn’t mean a whole lot if we are not really there in that present moment.  Just because we show up somewhere and we may have a million things going on in our head does that mean we are really there?!

Or, are we focusing on the next meeting, the next appt. etc., as we show up for dinner or some get-together or one of the kids’ games and then think we are going to get the credit for just showing up and get some ROI (return on our investment) for it. Not so fast.

Think about this if you will; we may be there but if we are tired or pre-occupied, distracted what does that mean? Are we really there?  Are we really present?I

I have a saying in my life and in the work that I do. Be here and nowhere else.

As a coach, one of the things that I want to do is: yes, help someone accomplish more goals and help them with their relationships.  But even more than that, I want to help get them to the place where these things work much better.  By getting to the story that may be stopping someone from reaching a deeper level in what it is that they feel is important to them, whatever that may be.

Discovering that.  NOW that’s an interesting conversation; one I love having.  We all have a story about why we didn’t show up on time or weren’t focused or missed an important event all together.

The dog ate my homework.  My ride was late. I missed getting my assignment done with excellence because I ran out of time. Someone else is at fault and so on and so on.

What does this subject bring up for you?

What are you thinking and has this triggered some thoughts about how you will show up the next time?!  Great news there is always a next time!!

Keep on the journey and give me your feedback on what I’ve shared today.

Some of the concepts of this material comes from the  book; “The Power of Story” by Jim Loehr.

Much Aloha,

Coach Kathleen

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June is a perfect time to bring up one of my biggest passions in life!

Since I am a Relationship and Communication Coach, it’s only logical that I place tremendous importance on being prepared before you enter into what I believe to be the most important journey you will ever take in your life.

I believe that today’s couples are ill prepared for what lies ahead in marriage. Often times, couples have even been living together and think they know one another, yet when it comes to tying the knot there is plenty they don’t know.

I think couples go into marriage with a ton of preconceived ideas, thinking that, “when we get married” any little or big concern (spoken or unspoken) will somehow magically take care of itself.

Well let me tell you, that is probably one of the first things I would want to talk to you about.

So let me ask you…What are your expectations about marriage?

I have a ton of questions actually that I would want to ask, and over the next few weeks I hope I will help you discover some of the ways that you could better prepare for the most important decision that you will ever make in your life.

To me marriage is a mystery. You bring two very different people together from two very different backgrounds and sometimes cultures and they commit to love, honor and cherish one another till death do us part.

But is that the way couples look at it today? One of the things that I see couples are missing today, is the willingness to do the hard work first, before they get married. Often times they choose to focus on the plans of the actual wedding day, spending tons of money, time and energy on making sure that every detail is perfect for that day. Forgetting that they are embarking on life’s most important journey together and they may be missing some very key understandings of what lies ahead.

Not that I’ve got all the answers here mind you, but I think I have some solid foundational tools that may really help support you in your commitment to this most important union.

So let’s start at the beginning….

Remember that old saying “LOVE IS BLIND”?!

Well, you may be aware of some negative characteristics in your partner, but you figure, “hey it won’t be like this after we’re married.”

Face it, we are idealistic,

We think, we’re different,

Our marriage will be perfect,

Right?!

Often times you are unaware of the potential problems, arguments and disagreements that so commonly occur in marriage.

So I’d like to help you create a strong foundation, to begin your new life together. My goal is to help you to replace your idealistic view of marriage with a more realistic and healthier view.

Having a more realistic view will help you to move forward together over life’s sometimes bumpy spots that will often happen in every journey. The road is not always smooth but the good news is “there IS joy in the journey!

Would you like to know more about how you can begin your journey together better prepared?

Was this interesting and possibly thought provoking? Did you gain some value or perk your interest?

I hope so. Let me know what you think about what I shared with you today. Looking forward to hearing from you.

Your Relationship Coach,
Kathleen

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Author, Kathleen Reece, Relationship Coach
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