I wanted to touch on the subject of grieving a little further in hopes that it could help or comfort someone who might be experiencing the grief process right now.  If you happen to know someone going through this and you don’t feel equipped with the right words or know what to expect in the coming weeks or months these words could be a valuable tool for you.

 As mentioned in my last post, I’ve learned a ton just from my own experiences not only in my own personal life but in the lives of others.  Often when someone passes away it may be a sudden thing or it may be after a long struggle with an illness.  Either way, I doubt that the grieving process is much different.  One thing I do know is we have to go through it to move on in life.  The funny thing about that is….one does not know how long that will take.

That is a hard one to handle in the beginning because “It” is just where you are at the moment and there is no logical explanation on how we’re supposed to handle life from this point on.

(I think this is adaptable to many other forms of grief not just someone dying but for now this is what I want to focus on.)

What happens after the funeral and everyone says their goodbyes and you are left with an empty house?

People who are there to support you in the beginning or even family members who are there and then leave to go back to their own homes often don’t think about you and your loneliness at that point.  They may be dealing with their own grief and are therefore mainly thinking of themselves and that’s okay. 

 I think it is something to consider that there is no right or wrong in this whole thing AND there is no time limit where you just wake up one day and go “Okay now on with life” if you are the one who is grieving.  But understand that the people who were there for you at that time may go on back to their lives and not understand where you are or what is going on with you.

What was support, before, may now become avoidance.  Again, this may be because they don’t know what to say.  So they may not say anything.  Try not to take it personally.

I can remember in my early adult years (early 30’s) when my friend Jennie lost her husband Steve to cancer.  We were all there in the neighborhood.  In fact, we had all come from California and had bought 3 side by side lots on the Big Island of Hawaii and had built houses next to one another. 

At the time that Steve’s illness got worse we had someone like a grief counselor come over to talk to all of us about death and dying and grief, I don’t think I was quite there yet in my understanding of all that was going on.  One thing that really took me aback was that Steve was present during this meeting and video that we were watching.  I felt very responsible for him.  I didn’t want him there because, what it made me uncomfortable?  That in itself was it was a very good thing for me to experience.  It taught me a lot about how I was trying to protect him from this uncomfortable conversation and yet it was his choice to be there.  It really amazed me.

We learned how adults versus kids handle the grief process.  Jennie’s son was 5 at the time and my kids were 8 and 5.  Even understanding a child’s limited understanding of grief can be so eye-opening and helped me with my expectations and my own confusion at the time.

Some of the things I’ve learned that you might find helpful:

• There is no right or wrong way to grieve and no time limit to what you are going through and it is no one’s business if they think that you “should” be moving on by now..

• If you are, on the other hand, taking a supportive role then I suggest a couple of things; “Just be there to listen” and don’t try to interject your opinion or give advice.

Another thing that would be nice is to send cards.  Just as a way of saying you are thinking of them, that’s all, nothing heavy just the fact that you are doing that one thing is such a gesture of love and support.  It can make a big difference to that person going through this alone in another city or state.  Even if you live nearby it’s still a good thing to do.

My friend Jennie was a great example of this.  She and Steve had a friend who lost his wife to one of those viruses that attacks the heart.  She was healthy one day and gone the next and they had small children, too.

I can  remember Jennie having these cards sitting next to the back door so she wouldn’t forget to drop them in the mail every so often just to be an encouragement to him.  That always stuck with me.  Even in her own grief she could still reach out to another.

One more thing…  If you are wondering what this has to do with values and priorities think about it this way.   The saying “Love your neighbor as yourself” really means “what is it that you would want someone to do for you?”  Would you want them to have the values and priorities to think of others especially in a time like this?  Is this what you want to be like for others in a time of need?  I know that I often think about it but don’t always act on it.  I have great intentions to do this or that.  But face it, people don’t want my intentions they want me.  That in itself is a reason to get outside of myself.  What about you?  Just becoming more aware is the first step….

Of course, there is so much more but I figure this is a good start on just having some insight into what happens for someone going through a difficult time.

If you found this to be helpful in some way, please let me know how it was supportive for you.  And if you would like to know more just drop me a note and we can talk.

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What happens when someone is dying?

How do we handle this in today’s world? 

Recently I had the privilege to be associated with a young woman who knew that she was dying.  When she found out she had pancreatic cancer, she actually went about to put her life in order.    She planned her funeral service, chose her gravesite and made all the necessary arrangements.   I am always amazed when I see someone do something like that.  I guess this is because I’ve been intimately involved with several people throughout my life that have died at a young age.   I had a front row seat in witnessing how they met death with dignity.  You may think that this is hard to talk about in our culture.  But after walking through it, I have to say that I have learned so much.

Life is a series of experiences that give us valuable lessons and learning skills if we are open to learning them.  The experience of walking through someone’s last days with them is perhaps the most valuable lesson of all.

Everyone handles someone dying differently.  Since I spent the last 5 weeks of my own mother’s life with her, I saw firsthand just how I handled it, or rather didn’t handle it very well.  In that experience itself I learned so much.  Unfortunately, this realization seems to come after the fact, when we are able to step away and look back.  But it’s in those moments of processing one’s grief that you can gain the most clarity AND it’s what you do with that  clarity that shows you where you want to go with your feelings.

Will you beat yourself up over what wasn’t done or what you did do that you shouldn’t have? 

How did you show up?

Or were you so damn efficient that you missed being in the moment; like me with my mom. 

Was that my way of coping?  Sometimes I think it was and other times not.  We do tend to default back to what we know or how we are naturally as people. 

You see my sister had the lion’s share of both our parents because she lived so close to each of them.  And I on the other hand lived in Hawaii so it was not always the easiest thing to do to just jump on a plane and be there in a couple of hours if I was needed.  This caused my sister to be upset with me.  Why? — Because I was only there a short time and I thought I needed to be helpful in organizing and tossing things that “I” thought weren’t important at the time. 

Just because I didn’t think something was necessary doesn’t meant that to the other person it’s not important. 

Valuable, Valuable Lesson.

It took us months to work through that one.  She was really hurt by how I handled things.  She perceived the situation one way and I perceived another way. 

Ever have that happen to you?!

She thought I was being insensitive and I thought I was being efficient.  My mom had lived with her for a long time and she was her caregiver.  She needed much more time to go through her grief than I did.  I was in and out of there and back home.  She had to deal with being in an empty house and all the adjustment that entails.

In Max Lucado’s book “Traveling Light” there is a very good chapter on grief and mourning.  In it he says… “Why does grief linger?  Because you are dealing with more than memories—you are dealing with unlived tomorrows.”  The more I read that and pondered it the more I realized the truth in it.  The life you could have had with that person, the shared memories are gone.  “You’re not just battling sorrow—you’re battling disappointment.”

I don’t want to gloss over this, so I’d like to take some more time to share about this if you are up to it?

It’s more than worth it if this helps one person than I will feel like it was worth it.

Why did I choose to visit this in the area of Values and Priorities?  I chose this because, as I said at the beginning, we all handle this part of our lives differently than the next person.  And our Values and Priorities play a big part in how we show up.

I would really like to hear from you about what you think about the subject of dying and grief and about how your own values and priorities in dealing with grief have played a part in your life.

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Here’s another way to look at Time Management and Story

I’ve talked in previous articles about how we have a story we tell ourselves and how it’s all connected to a belief system AND how that influences everything in our lives.

I’d like to touch on the story we tell ourselves about time and time management. My desire is to create value and curiosity about how certain things effect our lives and what we can do about them i.e.; time management.

Ahh yes, it’s all about our time.  How many of you here have ever taken a Franklin Covey time management course or some other sort of course that will make your life more effective and efficient so you will be able to have more time to dedicate to the things are important to you?  Whew!   That’s a mouthful and I would venture to guess that most, if not all, of us have invested in some sort of class or system with the promise that it will make our lives more effective and efficient. Right?! I know I have over the years.

And what do we get with that?  We get the promise that if you do this system ( and don’t get me wrong, systems are great) then you will have it all dialed in and life will become easier and then you can spend more time doing the things that you love and care about, right?

WRONG!!

I mean really, think about it, a whole industry has sprung up around how to manage your time. What is usually the promise that comes with implementing such a system?  Well, just as the promise states; you’ll better manage your time. You will become more efficient and not miss appointments, etc., and be able to manage your day more productively.

That is the promise right?

Here’s the real Promise – life is short, time is of the essence; we only have so much of it, we’ve only so long on this earth and we gotta make it count! I need to create quality time in my life and this will help me do everything I want to do before I run OUT of time. I’m getting tired just thinking about it.

We are the ones who decide we want to create more balance and harmony in our lives.  And we want to be able to prioritize what’s important to us and what has value.

Now, what would some of those things be that we value most?

Relationships, family and friends, our spirituality, taking time for leisure, etc.
All good, right?!

Let me share a little experience I had and you tell me what you think.

My husband and I were at a restaurant and I looked over at this table as I was leaving and what I saw so impacted me that I thought it would be perfect to share.

Here was this couple with 2 boys who were sitting there.  I noticed these 2 people who were so engrossed and engaged in texting on their Blackberries so intensely that they were totally ignoring each other AND the boys.  These 2 boys who were just sitting there, were looking around not even talking to each other like they didn’t even know what to do.  Now I don’t know what took place before or after I left, to be fair. They could have been very involved with these kids after I left.  But I kinda don’t think so based on their body language and how intent they were in their own world.

That being said, what I would like to share about how I see time management and the promise that it will somehow magically create peace and harmony and more quality time to spend on the things that I care most about is, false again, sorry….

Why?   Well, I’ll tell you,  just  investing time in something,  really doesn’t mean a whole lot if we are not really there in that present moment.  Just because we show up somewhere and we may have a million things going on in our head does that mean we are really there?!

Or, are we focusing on the next meeting, the next appt. etc., as we show up for dinner or some get-together or one of the kids’ games and then think we are going to get the credit for just showing up and get some ROI (return on our investment) for it. Not so fast.

Think about this if you will; we may be there but if we are tired or pre-occupied, distracted what does that mean? Are we really there?  Are we really present?I

I have a saying in my life and in the work that I do. Be here and nowhere else.

As a coach, one of the things that I want to do is: yes, help someone accomplish more goals and help them with their relationships.  But even more than that, I want to help get them to the place where these things work much better.  By getting to the story that may be stopping someone from reaching a deeper level in what it is that they feel is important to them, whatever that may be.

Discovering that.  NOW that’s an interesting conversation; one I love having.  We all have a story about why we didn’t show up on time or weren’t focused or missed an important event all together.

The dog ate my homework.  My ride was late. I missed getting my assignment done with excellence because I ran out of time. Someone else is at fault and so on and so on.

What does this subject bring up for you?

What are you thinking and has this triggered some thoughts about how you will show up the next time?!  Great news there is always a next time!!

Keep on the journey and give me your feedback on what I’ve shared today.

Some of the concepts of this material comes from the  book; “The Power of Story” by Jim Loehr.

Much Aloha,

Coach Kathleen

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On an average most  engaged couples only  receive  a couple of premarital coaching or counseling sessions today before they get married. It is my feeling that is just not enough. Why do I say this? Well let’s look at some statistics.

Out of 3000 couples polled in a survey by Marriage Partnership Magazine, when asked “Did your premarital counseling help your marriage?” This is the breakdown from those who answered yes.

One counseling session received                         15 %
Two sessions received                                            31 %
Three sessions received                                         53 %
And Seven or more sessions received                 75 %

This speaks volumes to me, more than ever, about the importance of investing in your marriage with premarital coaching.

Let me give you a little bit of my story. I was raised Catholic and “back in the day” couples usually met with the priest and had one or two sessions with him. Now I know today the Catholic Church has an engagement encounter which I think is great but back in my day that wasn’t an option.  So, my fiance and I go to meet with this Irish priest for our first session and I can tell you that even today his words still resonate with both my husband and myself and we remember them very clearly.  The one thing he said that stuck out for us was always put your mate on a pedestal! Now I have to say at the very young age that we did marry I don’t think I had a clue what that meant nor would I for years.  But I have to say it stuck in our heads.

That being said, what I want to say is no matter how much premarital coaching or counseling you get, if you decide that it has value it will stick with you your whole life.  That is why I think it is so important to invest in your future with at least 6 sessions to get a really good idea and grip on what the future will hold for you and your fiancé.

After all, isn’t this the biggest step you are about to take in your life? And wouldn’t it behoove you to really see what you are getting into? Seriously!

Like I said before in an earlier blog post, “Before you say I do” couples get caught up in the wedding plans and all the excitement, not to mention the expenses and stress of the whole event. They forget to actually spend some time and energy preparing their hearts for the most important decision they will ever make.

That is why I have created and am so passionate about my Seven Week Premarital Coaching workshop.   I am committed to making a lasting contribution and hopefully a huge difference in the lives of the couples I coach.

So Stay Tuned…..

If you have any thoughts on what I’ve hared thus far, leave a post below and give me your feedback.  I look forward to hearing your thoughts!

Author, Kathleen Reece, (CPBA, CPVA) is known as the “Relationship Coach” by couples around the world. Founder of Relationship Coach for You™ where she helps couples in groups, teleclasses and private sessions. As a professionally certified behavior analyst, she gives couples the communication tools and proven strategies they need to create close and intimate relationships. 

The © Copyright to all audio, video, images, and text is held by Relationship Coach for You™ and licensed under a Creative Commons License.

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June is a perfect time to bring up one of my biggest passions in life!

Since I am a Relationship and Communication Coach, it’s only logical that I place tremendous importance on being prepared before you enter into what I believe to be the most important journey you will ever take in your life.

I believe that today’s couples are ill prepared for what lies ahead in marriage. Often times, couples have even been living together and think they know one another, yet when it comes to tying the knot there is plenty they don’t know.

I think couples go into marriage with a ton of preconceived ideas, thinking that, “when we get married” any little or big concern (spoken or unspoken) will somehow magically take care of itself.

Well let me tell you, that is probably one of the first things I would want to talk to you about.

So let me ask you…What are your expectations about marriage?

I have a ton of questions actually that I would want to ask, and over the next few weeks I hope I will help you discover some of the ways that you could better prepare for the most important decision that you will ever make in your life.

To me marriage is a mystery. You bring two very different people together from two very different backgrounds and sometimes cultures and they commit to love, honor and cherish one another till death do us part.

But is that the way couples look at it today? One of the things that I see couples are missing today, is the willingness to do the hard work first, before they get married. Often times they choose to focus on the plans of the actual wedding day, spending tons of money, time and energy on making sure that every detail is perfect for that day. Forgetting that they are embarking on life’s most important journey together and they may be missing some very key understandings of what lies ahead.

Not that I’ve got all the answers here mind you, but I think I have some solid foundational tools that may really help support you in your commitment to this most important union.

So let’s start at the beginning….

Remember that old saying “LOVE IS BLIND”?!

Well, you may be aware of some negative characteristics in your partner, but you figure, “hey it won’t be like this after we’re married.”

Face it, we are idealistic,

We think, we’re different,

Our marriage will be perfect,

Right?!

Often times you are unaware of the potential problems, arguments and disagreements that so commonly occur in marriage.

So I’d like to help you create a strong foundation, to begin your new life together. My goal is to help you to replace your idealistic view of marriage with a more realistic and healthier view.

Having a more realistic view will help you to move forward together over life’s sometimes bumpy spots that will often happen in every journey. The road is not always smooth but the good news is “there IS joy in the journey!

Would you like to know more about how you can begin your journey together better prepared?

Was this interesting and possibly thought provoking? Did you gain some value or perk your interest?

I hope so. Let me know what you think about what I shared with you today. Looking forward to hearing from you.

Your Relationship Coach,
Kathleen

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Author, Kathleen Reece, Relationship Coach
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As we begin this new year, I thought Communication would be a good place to spend some time looking at how often our conversations may end up not being what we thought they would be. This will all start make sense, read on;

First off let me say that I love people! But not that I just love people, I find that we are all so amazingly fascinating!!
Every one of us is unique in every way; no two people are the alike.
I’m married to an identical twin. Yes it’s been fun and yes I have many stories, but what is so interesting is that even though they are identical as twins can be, yet they are very different in every way! Uniquely!!

I love to watch people. I’m so curious about their stories, what makes them who they are. That is part of what got me into the field of coaching and specifically communication and relationship coaching. Because people are sooo fascinating!!

I’d like to talk about what makes communication so interesting and maybe you can apply some of what you are reading here to the important relationships in your life.

First let me offer you a few questions to consider;

• Do you want to be a better communicator or to have more meaningful conversations? Or get a chance to see how well you do or do not communicate?

• How about wanting to be a better listener and in turn may be listened to as well.

• Would it be valuable for you to know how good of a listener you really are?

• Is what you are communicating actually being heard the way you are communicating it. Or are you surprised when the other person gets upset or is really unclear on what you just said? And you thought you were so clear!

All these questions have some very simple solutions and as we go along in this series we will be looking at each of these and getting a chance to gain some clarity and tools along the way.

I’ll leave you with this to think about until next time. It should really get you thinking about how this may be so in your life.

Have you ever considered what happens when we meet each other for the first time? How that when we do meet someone for the first time we bringing along with us our history and our cultural history as well, into every conversation we have, into every thought that crosses our mind.

Now that should intrigue you for a moment. I’d like you to sit in that question for a little while and think how that might actually be so, and that you may never ever have thought about how that might color how you see things. It’s a fascinating thing to think about, don’t you think?

Over the next few weeks we will be talking about how your history influences your conversations and how it may at times get in the way of how well you are communicating or listening to someone.

Wouldn’t it be helpful to see how that may actually be effecting how you see things and others see you?

If what I have offered you today has sparked some curiosity, then I would love to hear what you have to say about it. Please feel free to drop me a line and let me know if this was helpful.
Your Relationship Coach
Kathleen

Author, Kathleen Reece, (CPBA, CPVA) known as the “Relationship Coach” by couples around the world. As a professionally certified behavior analyst, she gives couples the communication tools and proven strategies they need to create close and intimate relationships.

The © Copyright to all audio, video, images, and text is held by Relationship Coach for You™ and licensed under a Creative Commons License.

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I think we don’t know what our expectations are. And oftentimes we only become aware of them when they are not met.

I guess in certain parts of the country, there is an expectation that there will be snow on Christmas morning. That doesn’t happen for me though, because I live in Hawaii. It’s nice enough if there’s a chill in the air for us here. But oftentimes people have expectations that there should be snow Christmas morning! Isn’t that what happens in the movies!? We’re hopeful it will happen. Just like somehow, some way Christmas will be different this year.

So how can it be different this year? Well how about being willing to live out the intention we set out with as the season first approached? Now that’s a novel idea!

Also, what do you think it would take to live out our lives all year long purposed to, live life fully human fully alive? (Curious to what I mean here?! Well I’ll explain as we go along here.) So let’s make that part of our journey for next year.

My purpose and intention this next year is to create value in what I write here, so that when you leave this page you’ll want to come back for more!

• That you can walk away with some actual tools that you can implement into your life right here and now.

• That your relationships will be rewarding, much more fulfilling and full of opportunities for intimacy.

• You in turn can create that with others.

How’s that sound?!

I’m looking forward to this coming year being one of anticipation and excitement, of change and growth. Will you come along on this journey with me?

Have a blessed and peaceful next few days, as we end out this year, and don’t forget to realize the gift that YOU are to those around you as well. Because without you in this world, the very special and unique you that you are, life would not be the same. There would be something missing. A BIG something! Like George in the movie classic “It’s a Wonderful Life”. Just a thought to ponder…

If you have any thoughts or feelings that you would like to share with me, I’d love to hear from you. And if for some reason this is a particularly hard time of year, let’s talk. Sometimes we just need someone to listen or relate to what is going on for us.

Author, Kathleen Reece, (CPBA, CPVA) is known as the “Relationship Coach” by couples around the world. Founder of Relationship Coach for You™ where she helps couples in groups, teleclasses and private sessions. As a professionally certified behavior analyst, she gives couples the communication tools and proven strategies they need to create close and intimate relationships.

The © Copyright to all audio, video, images, and text is held by Relationship Coach for You™ and licensed under a Creative Commons License.

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Aloha,

If you’ve been growing <em>tired or frustrated with the way your current relationship</em> is going – you’ve come to the right place!

And to make this blog relevant to your needs, please post your questions, problems and challenges in the comment section – <em>about your relationship</em> – so that I can <strong>answer your most pressing relationship questions.</strong>

My goal is to give you hope; knowing that there is a bright, happy future in store for you and your relationship.

This NEW blog:  Healthy Relationship Secrets Revealed! will reveal those secrets your parents never told you about – and your friends don’t even know about.

If you want to avoid being another statistic in the ever-increasing divorce roll – and you want to enjoy more happiness and fulfillment in your marriage – this blog will help you make new discoveries so you can have an incredible marriage, relationship and friendship – with the mate of your dreams!

Join me, as I share Healthy Relationship Secrets – ones I’ve learned by trial and error and shared with my clients along the way.

Your Relationship Coach,
Kathleen Reece (CPVA, CPBA)

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